Feeling inadequate amidst success

I am an amazing woman who finds time to raise two young daughters and be a wife while working full time at my “real” job, train for my first half marathon in October, manage a family schedule going in at least three different ways daily AND write a book in my spare time while keeping up with my monthly reading for book club.  Yes, I’m exhausted just thinking about it!  So why is it that I feel inadequate?

I’m certain it is because I have not had a chance to write in several weeks and my resolve to live like a writer is failing as a test of character.  I know I am being super hard on myself but I’m also being honest at the moment.  I don’t normally do guilt but lately I go to bed and feel guilty that amidst all the chaos of my life another day has gone by without writing.  I found time to run 3 miles tonight and I am willing myself to read a 1000 page book this month for book club that I’m hopefully on track to finish by the end of the week.  And yet, I can’t find time in a day to write.  And even when I do, like now, I’m writing on my blog instead of my manuscript!

If I look at it objectively I can admit that I’ve been extremely busy the last three weeks.  My sister in law got married over the 4th of July weekend two states away (six-day road trip), Big Sister had a dance competition in Las Vegas two weeks before that (another road trip) and I didn’t even have a moment to crack the laptop open on either trip.  When I got back the laundry had doubled in size and the time I normally would have spent writing I spent getting caught up on laundry and getting my house into a semblance of order again before we have to pack for the next big trip at the end of the month for my family reunion.  My running I can do at work at the gym and, with hubby working mostly night shifts lately, my evenings are devoted to dotting on my kids – not to mention the Dance Studio Shuttle Bus 4 days a week.  So it isn’t like I don’t have valid “reasons” to have little writing to show for the last months.  But that also isn’t how I want to be – with a rational excuse/reason for not writing.  No, I want to be a writer, damn it!

In the end, I’m going to quit my bitching, acknowledge what an amazing feat surviving and staying on top of my life is, and vow to do better in the coming weeks.  It’s like my hubby always says about the lottery:  you’ll never win if you don’t play.  The same can be said about writing: if you’re not doing it every day, you’ll never finish or get published.

I met a blogger (who I will keep anonymous to protect the innocent) a few weeks ago who has hundreds of followers and spouts advice to admiring fans everywhere and I learned that SHE. ISN’T. EVEN. PUBLISHED. YET.  If she can get that big of a following and talk that kind of talk having ‘only’ landed an agent, think about what I can do once I get my first novel under my belt.  I am recommitting myself starting now:  I will stop procrastinating and just write!

About terraluft

Writer; wife, mother and impulsive bitch incapable of saying no. Fueled by coffee, yoga and sarcasm. View all posts by terraluft

One response to “Feeling inadequate amidst success

  • Christauna Asay

    Booyah! I was afraid you were losing your fire. You do realize you have a few loyal fans in the wings who are dying to read that manuscript if you'll just finish it.

    Good to know the guiltless Terra actually feels guilt sometimes.

    Like

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