When ‘Fine’ no longer applies

I’ve reached a place psychologically where I can honestly say I have never been before. When people ask the question ‘How are you?’ I can no longer respond with ‘Fine’. Because I am not fine. No sir, not even close to fine. I’ve gone so far away from fine that I don’t even know how to get back there from here. I hope it is just over the horizon and somehow within my grasp again soon but I’m not sure of that.

Okay, enough of the melodramatics…

My health has taken yet another turn. I thought a pulmonary embolism was the worst thing that could happen – aside from coronary artery disease. But, I was wrong. There I was last week, happily and without complaint following my coumadin regiment and getting my blood tested weekly to monitor my clotting levels, not eating my greens (or at least not cheating too much), not feeling like running yet but expecting it any day now. And I noticed something new. Well, okay, what I mean is that I could no longer ignore something new as insignificant. My legs from the knee down are swollen. And by swollen, think pitting edema (Google it, I dare you). They’ve been swelling since before Easter now that I think back to the tantrum I had that morning when my cute strappy-sandals from last summer wouldn’t go on my swollen feet and I was feeling completely fat and bloated – but I chose to ignore it hoping it would go away. Some things never change I guess.

I mentioned it to the nurse while I was in getting my weekly blood draw and next thing you know I’m having more blood work and urinalysis. Guess what – there IS something else wrong. This time with my kidneys and my thyroid. I feel like I hit the big four-oh and immediately started falling apart. The thyroid thing is apparently unrelated (and hereditary, thanks Mom) but could contribute to why I have had very little energy and don’t feel like the coumadin has kicked in as quickly this time around to getting me back on the treadmill/road. The kidney thing definitely is the reason I’m swelling up and retaining so much water. Thank goodness the female part of my psyche that keeps yelling FAT GIRL every time my pants feel tight the last couple of weeks can shut the hell up now. The fifteen pounds of extra weight I’ve put on the last three weeks is NOT because I’m unable to eat salad and veggies and can’t breathe well enough to run yet. So there! *sticks tongue out*

But now I’m back to having more questions than there are answers. Plus more poking and prodding and testing trying to figure out exactly what IS going on with me. Can you say “high deductible met by April”? Say it with me…

Needless to say, I cling desperately to my weekly yoga sessions to reset my psyche. That overworked psyche that is trying her hardest to keep her chin up. The alternative is wallowing in self pity and self-induced panic about what the future holds which I’ve caught myself doing – very unlike me. I don’t feel like myself, I don’t look like myself, and some days I have little desire to be myself in this current unhealthy stage of the game. I’ve grown weary of all this crap and would kill for feeling good with all my energy back. It is a daily struggle to lift myself up and keep myself going. And my family is imploding because the force at the center that keeps it all a smoothly oiled machine is falling apart. But, it is what it is and at least I didn’t die. (That’s my mantra lately.) While it sucks right now and I’m not fine, I have high hopes that I will be soon.

Camp NaNoWriMo has turned into more shenanigans than writing but I’m still brainstorming and plot outlining whenever the inspiration hits me. Its like going to summer camp and doing the fun stuff like swimming and hanging out by the fire but skipping the hard stuff like cooking and cleaning up. It’s enjoyable but it doesn’t get everyone fed regularly. My writing can wait while I focus on getting healthy again. And that half marathon I’ve already paid for? Yeah, who knows if I can even walk 13 miles by June let alone run but I’m still hoping I can participate. We shall see…

If I’m a bit more sporadic on the blog, now you know why. In many ways “I’ve been better” has become my default where everything used to be “fine”. Here’s to there being nothing significantly or long-term wrong with me and to a quick recovery back to the land of the healthy! *fingers crossed*

About terraluft

Writer; wife, mother, survivor, and impulsive bitch rarely capable of saying no. Fueled by coffee, yoga and sarcasm. (She/Her) View all posts by terraluft

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