Category Archives: Events

When ‘Fine’ no longer applies

I’ve reached a place psychologically where I can honestly say I have never been before. When people ask the question ‘How are you?’ I can no longer respond with ‘Fine’. Because I am not fine. No sir, not even close to fine. I’ve gone so far away from fine that I don’t even know how to get back there from here. I hope it is just over the horizon and somehow within my grasp again soon but I’m not sure of that.

Okay, enough of the melodramatics…

My health has taken yet another turn. I thought a pulmonary embolism was the worst thing that could happen – aside from coronary artery disease. But, I was wrong. There I was last week, happily and without complaint following my coumadin regiment and getting my blood tested weekly to monitor my clotting levels, not eating my greens (or at least not cheating too much), not feeling like running yet but expecting it any day now. And I noticed something new. Well, okay, what I mean is that I could no longer ignore something new as insignificant. My legs from the knee down are swollen. And by swollen, think pitting edema (Google it, I dare you). They’ve been swelling since before Easter now that I think back to the tantrum I had that morning when my cute strappy-sandals from last summer wouldn’t go on my swollen feet and I was feeling completely fat and bloated – but I chose to ignore it hoping it would go away. Some things never change I guess.

I mentioned it to the nurse while I was in getting my weekly blood draw and next thing you know I’m having more blood work and urinalysis. Guess what – there IS something else wrong. This time with my kidneys and my thyroid. I feel like I hit the big four-oh and immediately started falling apart. The thyroid thing is apparently unrelated (and hereditary, thanks Mom) but could contribute to why I have had very little energy and don’t feel like the coumadin has kicked in as quickly this time around to getting me back on the treadmill/road. The kidney thing definitely is the reason I’m swelling up and retaining so much water. Thank goodness the female part of my psyche that keeps yelling FAT GIRL every time my pants feel tight the last couple of weeks can shut the hell up now. The fifteen pounds of extra weight I’ve put on the last three weeks is NOT because I’m unable to eat salad and veggies and can’t breathe well enough to run yet. So there! *sticks tongue out*

But now I’m back to having more questions than there are answers. Plus more poking and prodding and testing trying to figure out exactly what IS going on with me. Can you say “high deductible met by April”? Say it with me…

Needless to say, I cling desperately to my weekly yoga sessions to reset my psyche. That overworked psyche that is trying her hardest to keep her chin up. The alternative is wallowing in self pity and self-induced panic about what the future holds which I’ve caught myself doing – very unlike me. I don’t feel like myself, I don’t look like myself, and some days I have little desire to be myself in this current unhealthy stage of the game. I’ve grown weary of all this crap and would kill for feeling good with all my energy back. It is a daily struggle to lift myself up and keep myself going. And my family is imploding because the force at the center that keeps it all a smoothly oiled machine is falling apart. But, it is what it is and at least I didn’t die. (That’s my mantra lately.) While it sucks right now and I’m not fine, I have high hopes that I will be soon.

Camp NaNoWriMo has turned into more shenanigans than writing but I’m still brainstorming and plot outlining whenever the inspiration hits me. Its like going to summer camp and doing the fun stuff like swimming and hanging out by the fire but skipping the hard stuff like cooking and cleaning up. It’s enjoyable but it doesn’t get everyone fed regularly. My writing can wait while I focus on getting healthy again. And that half marathon I’ve already paid for? Yeah, who knows if I can even walk 13 miles by June let alone run but I’m still hoping I can participate. We shall see…

If I’m a bit more sporadic on the blog, now you know why. In many ways “I’ve been better” has become my default where everything used to be “fine”. Here’s to there being nothing significantly or long-term wrong with me and to a quick recovery back to the land of the healthy! *fingers crossed*


Pulmonary Embolism – 4 months later

Remember that pesky trait I have of being an impatient woman? Yeah, it occasionally bites me in the ass. Like now. I like to think that I’ve been a model patient through this whole pulmonary embolism ordeal by being very involved in my treatment and following all of my doctor’s orders. When I got to stop taking Coumadin at the end of January (totally unprovoked with no whining or bitching on my part I might add), my doc told me to come back after a month for some follow-up blood work. I knew Hubby had to go in for his own blood work mid-March so I just planned to go when he went and calendared it without another thought.

I felt great in February, started training for my half marathon, kicked ass with my weekly yoga class and all around felt great. Then March hit and I started making excuses about mid-week runs, started putting off my long runs and just felt run down. I chalked it up to warming temps in Utah and the return of my seasonal allergies and didn’t think much more about it. I was still active, just not doing all that I had intentions of doing. It happens to the best of us.

My calendar – the secret weapon of my overachiever behavior – reminded me it was time for my blood draw two weeks ago so I stopped in on my way to work to open a vein. My insurance company has this cool tool where you can access your own health records online as long as your doctor participates, which mine does. Lucky for me since Monday night I was impatient to know the results – weird, I know – and logged on to see if they were back already. They were but I was devastated. My levels were still elevated and my doctor had made a note that he wanted me back on Coumadin. I immediately began stressing about what all this could mean and Googled what else could cause an elevated result on this particular blood test. Bad idea to Google anything health related I think in hindsight but hey, I need data!

The next day, stressing about possible cancer and liver disease and heart disease thanks to my friend Google, I got a call from the doctor’s office to schedule an appointment. I continued to stress about the possibility of being required to take Coumadin for the rest of my life on top of whatever else could be going on until my appointment on Thursday. When I finally got there I was reminded again about how amazing my doctor is and how lucky I am to have found him. I told him all the things I’d been stressing about which he was able to dismiss since I had started this whole ordeal with a full blood workup showing no heart disease or liver disease. We decided that we both wanted to know what exactly was going on in my lungs. I was willing to undergo and pay for another CT scan for real answers rather than assumptions that this elevated level was just because I *only* took Coumadin for three months initially. In true Terra fashion, I then negotiated with him on my treatment options. We agreed that if I still had the exact same clots, he’d be okay with only three months of Coumadin and if it turned out they were new clots then I’d give him six months without bitching about it. It was a fair deal that felt win-win for both of us.

Last Monday morning was very unsettling when I had to stop in the middle of yoga class because I was out of breath and wheezing. Considering I’ve been doing yoga since a month post-diagnosis I was super scared that my test later that day was going to yield far worse news than I hoped. Well, it turns out I’ve still got clotting in my lungs but thanks to being able to compare both of my CT scans we know for certain they are the same ones I originally had and that they are significantly smaller. YEAH for no new clots!

So, I’ve resigned myself to Coumadin for the next three months – without bitching about it – and all the crap that comes with it. Goodbye spinach and all my favorite green veggies.  Hello weekly blood testing and bleeding issues again. But truthfully if being on the stuff makes me feel well enough to run like it did in late January and February, it will be a welcome addition back into my life until these pesky clots are for sure gone. Especially since I’ve already registered and paid for my half marathon in June.

I have one last hurdle to complete from my follow up – my first mammogram this week. Apparently I’m of the age (yippee!) and since malignancy can cause blood clots my doctor says its a good idea to do it. I was hoping that all the recent controversy in the medical field about doing them in your forties was going to get me out of them for a few more years. But no, I’m not so lucky. Unless you count that I am still kicking and didn’t die from this insanity that I still marvel about happening in the first place. Here’s to the next three months passing quickly so I can finally put this all behind me for good!


I wrote a book… now what?

I wrote a novel. Holy shit! I. WROTE. A NOVEL. Or more accurately, the first draft is finished!!

And it only took me four and a half years…

I started ‘writing a novel’ back in 2008 when I first participated in NaNoWriMo.And while technically I’ve been working on the same basic idea I had for that first book, nothing is the same in the finished draft as it was when I started.The character names are different, the character who’s point of view the story is written from has changed, even the scope and focus of the story shifted.Then there are my writing skills themselves. I trashed so much writing in the past four years to start all over when I learned another skill in the writing process and realized everything I’d written was now shit.

Let me tell all the aspiring writers out there some basic truths that I discovered along the way to my first completed rough draft of a novel-length work.

Just because you read a lot doesn’t mean you’ll have an inherent talent for writing. This was a hard one for me. I thought I could just sit down and write a novel. I’ve only thought about being a writer since I was in junior high. Sure it was going to be a lot of work and sure it was going to take some time. But surely I had what it took because I’ve been reading novels since I was in elementary school. Then I found all these things that I didn’t know – point of view, tense, showing vs. telling, plot structure, character development, voice, narrative voice… The list goes on and on. And all these things have rules that work and things that you can’t do and … and … and, yeah. It took me several of those first years stumbling around all that unknown territory realizing there was far more in the “things I don’t know I don’t know” column than there was in the “things I know” one. I still remember one of my very first chapters I ever wrote where the point of view shifted between two different characters as quickly as the dialogue they exchanged. There was a whole lot to learn that I understood subconsciously as a reader but that I had no real idea how to do as a writer.

Writing is hard work. I have a full time job, I’m a wife and I’m a mom to growing girls – one with a schedule all her own to keep up with. Part of me – not the overachiever part of course – wonders if it is even possible to write for a living on top of all that I’m already doing. This past year I’ve watched my friend and writing group partner sign with a publisher and embark on what comes next in the road to publishing. She doesn’t work outside the house and she thought some days it was more than a full time job commitment to keep up with the editing she had to do. Deadlines up until now have been of my own doing and could come and go with zero consequences if I happened to miss one. What happens if I do publish a book and I don’t have the luxury of writing at my own pace. If it has demands like a job will I still love it? And would my psyche rebel if someone told me I had to do something I didn’t want to do – because that is never a good thing for me. Plus, writing is not the quick way to fame and fortune – you have to sell many many many books in order to make enough to quit your day job. Frightening!

Writing is humbling work. You put immense effort and emotion into creating characters and worlds and this story and you shed blood, sweat and tears to make it the best you can. Then people want to read it. And you want people to read it and tell you how much they love it. And sometimes they do say that. But most often you hear more about the things that don’t work or that could be improved. And even when you trust and love these critique partners that you’ve asked to tell you these things it can hurt to hear them. If you can get past the initial sting and instinct to defend your work to the death, you can learn from what others see. But getting past those things can be very, very difficult. In the four plus years I’ve been writing *this* novel I think I’ve let my writer’s group see a total of six measly chapters and not even that much of this current draft. I’m both sorry for that and not. They are my biggest supporters and I owe it to them but somewhere deep inside where I don’t go very often, I am super scared no one will like what I wrote.

Writing a book isn’t the same as publishing a book. The first thing people want to know when they hear I’ve written a novel (my daughter included) is ‘when can I buy it and read it?’. Most published authors write countless novels before they are ever picked up by a publisher. Brandon Sanderson – who is such an amazing writer that Robert Jordan’s widow picked him to finish the Wheel of Time series – wrote close to ten novels before he ever got published. (I only know this because my other friend and writing partner is his biggest fan so I might have the facts wrong…) Regardless, there are probably hundreds of unpublished writers for every one that gets a break and gets to publish a book. Then there are even fewer published authors who sell a ton of books and whose names are nationally recognized. Those are staggering odds and I know there is still no guarantee on where I go from here.

Writing a first draft isn’t the end, it’s only the beginning. I didn’t even take two nights off from writing to celebrate before I was busy with revising. Key parts of the story morphed in the middle to make the ending work which then made the beginning inconsistent with the ending. And since I have a submission deadline for my writing group to read and critique the entire thing, I have to fix it right away. After they get a crack at it, there will be edits and revisions based on what they give me feedback on. At some point I need an editor to go over it and figure out all the things none of us have seen. Then beta readers for a look with fresh eyes, more revisions. And THEN I can hopefully find an agent who likes it enough and thinks he/she could sell it through the querying process which I haven’t even wanted to look at details of because it is like having a full time job, plus a writing job PLUS a querying job until you find an agent. In the meantime, I will move on to the next idea and write another first draft and start the complete process over from the beginning. I’ve heard of published authors who are editing two books at the same time they are writing a third. Another argument in the ‘writing is hard work’ area.

While I know this is one of the more important steps – finishing a story all the way to the end – I know I am still on a journey of discovery. I’m having a blast and learning new things all the time. For today, I’m trying not to be overwhelmed by everything there is still left to do and instead taking this time to revel in the fact that I have done what I set about to do all those years ago. Or the first step of it anyway.


Re-defining normal

I started off thinking this post would be titled ‘getting back to normal’. And while it is true that I’m getting there, it’s also true that normal for me has changed. It’s been three months since I almost died. (Is it wrong for me to get pleasure in the shock value whenever I say those very true words? I. ALMOST. DIED.) I’ve spent a good span of that time pretending – even to myself on some levels – that it wasn’t as bad as all that while willing myself to bounce right back to health. Well, I was wrong. It WAS a big deal. And surviving it made me appreciate all the little things I don’t usually stop and notice. This week I turned forty one. FORTY. ONE. It kind of hit me at the end of the day that I might not have made it to see this birthday if it wasn’t for my amazing doctor and a whole lot of luck that I didn’t die while denying there was something wrong.

While I was diagnosed and started treatment on November first, I look back and with perfect hindsight know I was sick and impaired for at least a few weeks leading up to that – thanks to my denial. Once I started treatment I could tell I was getting better every day – measurably so. But, it’s only been this week that I really felt like myself again and realized things were finally back to normal. I’ve had energy to clean my house and run around doing all the things that I need to do all week. Instead of picking and choosing the things that I thought were the most important and leaving the rest by the way side. I got my laundry done. All the way done instead of throwing a load in as an after thought every night and dealing with wrinkled clothes every morning.Most importantly, I have the energy to start training and writing again.

I have a half marathon I’m training for this summer. I’m running in honor of my amazing cousin who is fighting melanoma – again. I’m not the praying kind of person but while I’m training I’ll have lots and lots of time to be thinking of her and sending positive thoughts and energy her way to aid her in her battle. I mapped out my training plan – again – and this time I’ve started it, too. Instead of dismissing the appointments that pop up on my phone to remind me and thinking up some rationalization about why I can’t do it today. The days have returned where I wake up in the morning and one of the first thoughts I have is when I will get to run. I’ve resumed tracking food and making sure I’m eating the right balance of protein, carbs and good fats like my nutritionist taught me. And most importantly I’ve carved out time on my calendar for every single workout six days a week. Yes, truly back on my game.

And that novel I’ve been working on for years? The one that isn’t done yet? I’ve got a deadline with my writer’s group to submit the completed first draft in February for critique. And I’ve been working on it again. Thinking about it in the shower again. Scheduling time to write again. Back to normal again.

The best part of my new normal came in the form of a belated birthday surprise from my doctor. Part of the aftermath of my embolism has been daily doses of blood thinners which I have made little secret of that I hate. My initial treatment plan called for this to continue for at least six months. I had hoped to shorten that to more like three. But, when that day arrived I still didn’t have a stable dose and my weekly visits to check my blood levels continued because they would be fine for a week then go back down and we’d increase my dose and start over again. This week, it was even lower and I was dejected knowing I was going to have to take an even larger dose and prolong getting off. But then my doctor came in and surprised me. Told me he’d been doing some research and talking to colleagues who specialize in clot treatments. Turns out the latest research indicates that anti-coagulation medications should only be given three months or a lifetime. Anything in between provides no greater protection against further clots and only increases other risk factors for bleeding. Surprise! No more coumadin! And the return to my diet of all the things I love and will never take for granted again – spinach, salad, kale, broccoli, asparagus. Things I always ate but never appreciated until I couldn’t anymore.

My new normal includes more than appreciating my ability to eat whatever I want again. It also includes yelling less at my kids – or at least not yelling until after I explain the reasons why I’m asking them to do something or not do something. I want every moment spent with them one that would be worthy of being the last without having to have regrets if it turns out it is. And I’m living in each moment far more than I was before. Telling people exactly how I feel about them so there’s no question that I love or appreciate or miss them when they are gone. Being conscious that every moment in life truly could be anyone’s last thus leaving those moments where my life overlaps someone else’s mean more. Thanks for reading my blog – whether I know you personally or not. I hope the contribution it makes means as much to you as your participation means to me. Here’s to a fabulous year and many more ahead!


Two weeks later

Let me start by stating that unprovoked clots in your lungs – meaning there is no cause that can explain their presence – is truly a shitty deal.  I am the girl who wants answers to everything.  The girl who disassembled my curling iron in high school because I wanted to know how it worked.  The girl who needs to know everything about everything so I can project plan the shit out of it then make appropriate entries into my calendar like marching orders to follow precisely.  How else can I accomplish everything I ever want to in life? Not knowing where we go from here is truly fucking with my brain.

But I’m getting ahead of myself…

Immediately following my diagnosis I was focused on getting from day to day.  The shock of almost dying was surreal and I still don’t really know how I feel about how close I could have been.  My first goal was getting my anti-coagulation established.  Those super expensive injections I had to give myself twice a day hurt like hell and my first personal aspiration was to quit having to take them.  Which meant my INR test had to be above a 2.0.  Three times a week I stop in at my doctors for a finger prick to test this.  The day after diagnosis, I was .9.  A week and a half later I was above two after once having to increase my daily dose of Coumadin.  Finally no more shots!  That same week and a half had me feeling better with a bit more spring in my step every day.  Two days post diagnosis I couldn’t walk through Scheels without needing a bench to rest.  But, two weeks later, I went for my first run.  I could only run a couple of minutes at a time with stretches of walking in between but it felt like I was running my first race and accomplishing a personal record.  The smile on my face was ear to ear.  This was irrefutable evidence that the clots in my lungs are disappearing and I’m almost all better.

Now let’s talk about Coumadin and what it means to be anti-coagulated.  It sucks hairy-ass monkey balls.  I’m a bleeder now who bruises easily.  That hangnail I absently picked at during a meeting?  Oh, don’t mind me with blood dripping off my finger.  No, officer, my husband doesn’t beat me, I just ran into the bar stool someone left pulled halfway out and I’m anti-coagulated.  All those other bruises?  Yeah, I have no idea how they got there but I swear no one is beating me. Worse than all that is the dietary restrictions.  I can’t eat leafy green vegetables?  No spinach?  No lettuce?  No broccoli? No asparagus?  Are you fucking kidding me?  Do you know how hard it is to take a brain that is wired for nutrition and real food and then suddenly you can’t eat it?  At least three times in the last week I’ve gone to bite into a delicious meal only to realize it had something in it I can’t eat.  Thank god I didn’t have to alter anything about my coffee habits.  Had that happened on top of everything else I might be murderous rather than just bitchy.

Which brings us to the shitty deal I’m facing now that I’m out of the woods and getting back to my normal activity levels:  There is no end in sight for the Coumadin.  When I tried to nail down my doctor with a time frame to expect this to continue he said “at least six months but more likely longer.”  So now I’ll be a runner who can’t eat her veggies and who might bleed out if she doesn’t check her clotting factor twice a week and gets a bruise.  Ain’t that just grand.  And why?  Because no one knows exactly what caused my blood clots in the first place.  Even though I was taking birth control after the age of 35 which actually states it can increase the risk for exactly this to happen.  On the bright side, I can run again.  Oh, and I hit my deductible on my high deductible healthcare plan so now I can get that IUD that I couldn’t afford to pay for out of pocket and which started this whole fucking mess for free.  At least I can still run…


I have a what?

I’m not a sappy person so it won’t surprise you that not only am I not participating in the ‘thankful challenge’ that it seems half my Facebook friend list is doing but that I tend to scan over those posts as they come across my news feed.  Not that I’m heartless but that it is all the same thing: family, friends, other loved ones, etc.  In my world being thankful for those things happen and are expressed all year, not just the month of November in some new gimmick to twist the whole Thanksgiving holiday into something other than commemorating how we gained the trust of the Native American indians and then savagely stole their lands.  But I digress and that’s a rant for another day.

However, today I’m actually thankful to be alive because I literally almost died.  Here’s what happened so all the people expressing well wishes on my Facebook feed can have the entire story…

Like all stories, I have to start at the beginning which I didn’t know at the time was the beginning.  On October 20th, I ran a 5K with my friends who had both been training hard.  He for a third Ragnar this year, she as a new and committed runner with a set workout plan that this race was a milestone in.  I had been slacking hard and actually hadn’t run since the last race we had run together as a relay team the month before.  I figured the last time I’d run it had been six miles so a little three mile 5K shouldn’t be too hard since it was only a few weeks between races.  I knew she wasn’t planning on running the entire time because at that distance she still does a little walking so I could just stick with her and run at her pace and be fine.  We took off at the starting line and about thirty seconds later I thought I was going to die.  My heart rate was through the roof, I couldn’t catch my breath and my friend who I was supposed to be encouraging started pulling away.  Because running is a mental sport, I started lamenting about what a loser I was that this 5K was kicking my ass and thinking back about all the times when I had time to squeeze in a run and instead decided I was too tired or prioritized something else in my life ahead of my fitness.  Oh, and trying not to hate my friend who was a new runner and yet was running circles around me.  It was the single hardest three miles I have EVER run both in terms of physical and mental toughness.  I pushed myself to keep up, more or less, with my friend because I didn’t want to hold her back and impact her goals after she had worked so hard actually preparing for this race.  The whole way trying to ignore or not look at my heart rate monitor that said I was in the anaerobic training zone even though I was running slower than my normal pace and walking probably more than half the time.  *Hello, red flag number 1*  We finished together and laughed when we both – plus her twenty-something daughter who left us all in the dust at the start line – all placed in our divisions and got medals.  I left the race vowing to get a race goal on the horizon so I’d have something specific to train for and didn’t slip even further behind in my running performance since clearly you lose your base far quicker than I thought. I wheezed and coughed the rest of the day which isn’t abnormal since I’d just pushed myself super hard, right?.  *Hello, red flag number 2*

I felt fine after a normal recovery time after a hard race and didn’t think anything else about it.  Until about a week later when I was working in the garden and ran up the stairs into the kitchen to break up a fight between the kids or some other such emergency.  The little exertion had me out of breath.  I stood at the counter trying to catch my breath when this weird pain started in the center of my chest.  *Hello, red flag number 3 but the first one I paid attention to*  I stood there realizing I was experiencing “shortness of breath with chest pain”.  I panicked and quickly passed that heading straight for denial.  You see, my Dad has coronary artery disease as did my grandfather before him.  Dad had a quadruple bypass as a direct result of shortness of breath and chest pain that his doctor luckily investigated aggressively because of his family medical history before he had a heart attack.  I am a runner obsessed with making better than average food choices as a direct result of my insane fear that that shit is going to happen to me, too.  I stood there, taking deep breaths, collecting data and rationalizing that the pain was not on the right side of my chest but in the center and also kind of in the back.  Totally not my heart and probably just a fluke.  Told you, total denial fueled by panic.  Don’t judge.

While in the front of my mind I was denying that there could be a problem, the analytical side of me was hard at work in the background keeping track of little things that started not to add up.  Like it was harder to walk from my car to the building and vice versa at work, that I couldn’t take the stairs at work without sounding like I was a four hundred pound fat girl ready to puke after my first Biggest Loser workout, that I was lethargic at night and had started to just sit on the couch instead of accomplishing anything every night.  Part of me was still being really hard on myself for having put on a couple of pounds recently and feeling like a total fat girl even though I’m still in my same size clothes.  The inner workings of the female psyche at its worst right there.  When I had a second episode of chest pain a couple of days later *Hello, red flag number 4* I mentioned it to Hubby.  Although the part of me that was still in denial mentioned it offhand with a little joke about “hey, I should probably tell you just in case something happens . . ha ha ha . . . I’m probably making a big deal out of nothing because of Dad . . . blah blah blah”.  But I did tell him I was going to make an appointment with the doctor at some point. 

The night before Halloween I was going through Baby Sister’s night time routine which involves snuggling on the couch while she drinks her chocolate milk before carrying her to bed to tuck her in.  I stood up from the couch, carrying my petite twenty five pound almost three year old, and walked twenty three steps to her room on the same floor of the house.  And when I got there, I was so out of breath it took me almost ten minutes to catch it again.  (Yes, I just recreated the event so I could count exactly how many steps it was, why do you ask?)  *Hello, red flag number 5 which finally made me take action*

On Halloween, I called and made an appointment with Hubby’s doctor since this wasn’t something I could see my gynecologist about and that’s the only doctor I ever go to.  They could get me in the next day at 11:00 which in hind sight was probably because I told them I was having the “shortness of breath with chest pain” kiss of death symptoms.  At lunch, I was telling my same friends I ran the 5K with that I was going to the doctor because I’d been having problems and he said he’d noticed that he’d had more cardiovascular difficulty in his training since we’d all had . . . dun dun duuun . . . THE FLU SHOT.  Holy shit!  I did the math and that was the same time frame I’d been having issues, too!  I breathed a little tiny sigh of relief that there MIGHT be something else at play here than my impending need for a coronary bypass surgery which is what my mind was in full denial about.  I mentioned it to one of my besties while we were strolling the neighborhood trick or treating and was out of breath after having to save the eleven-year olds from a stuffed scarecrow on a porch.  We both laughed that wouldn’t that be the shits that I’d been forced to get a flu shot and then I have these symptoms even though that might get me out of it for next year.

The next day began like any other Thursday.  I’d been on call all night which meant I got to work from home.  I let my team know I was planning on taking a little longer of a lunch break because I had a doctor’s appointment but would be back in time for my afternoon support shift.  I got right in, met the doctor and started answering his barrage of questions.  Told him about my family medical history while I cringed inside because I hate that weakness looming in my gene pool like an unexploded, forgotten artillery round in a rice field of Vietnam waiting to go off at any time with no warning.  I had written out a timeline of all my running milestones and things I’d done that involved significant physical exertion leading up to the 5K which had happened four days after I’d gotten the flu shot and what I’d experienced since the flu shot because surely it wasn’t a coincidence that it all started then, right? 

After the question and answer period was over, the doctor said they were going to do an EKG and a chest x-ray and handed me a gown.  Are you kidding me right now?  With those words, the shit got real and all the denial was replaced with visions of exactly where the path was leading which ended with me lying in an ICU bed with tubes coming out of my chest looking like death already – just like my Dad did after his surgery.  Not going to lie, I was weepy and it took several minutes to pull my shit together before the first nurse came in to take me down the hall to the x-ray room.  The EKG was a trip because it literally takes more time to set up for the test and get all the leads attached than it does to do the test.  The doctor returned and said my xray was clear and the EKG showed that I had not had nor was I in the middle of having a heart attack.  Both very good news and I perked up.  Next steps: some blood work and a referral to a cardiologist for a stress test.  Sorry, but the flu shot wasn’t a factor at  this point.  Just what I knew they were going to say.  Damn my gene pool anyway!  The nurse came back in and drew seven – SEVEN – vials of blood and said they were sending them to the lab via courier so they would have results back today and would call me.  Everything seemed super routine now and I figured my next step would be hearing my blood work was fine – like it always is – and getting a call from the cardiologist to schedule my stress test.  I went home, ate some lunch and started my pager shift at 2:00.

Hubby was off that day so he was chatting with me and catching up on television when my phone rang at 2:30.  I answered it and heard the nurse tell me that I needed to go immediately to the hospital, that they were waiting for me to have a CT scan at 3:00 because one of my blood tests that indicated through chemicals in my blood that I’d had a heart attack came back abnormally high.  And that once I’d finished the test I was to stay there because there was a chance I was going to be admitted.  I didn’t say anything, just listened, and started crying uncontrollably, now certain that my vision of bypass surgery was inevitable regardless of what steps I had taken to eliminate the risk.  Hubby rushed over and was now panicked because clearly there was something wrong and he didn’t know what it was.  I had the sense of mind to repeat what I needed to do so I was sure I’d gotten it right before I hung up with twenty minutes before they were expecting me at the nearest hospital.

Halfway there, as I’m already mentally saying goodbye to my husband and lamenting that I might not be around to see my girls grow up because of my fucking gene pool that even though I tried my damnedest I couldn’t escape, the phone rang again.  The same nurse was on the line apologizing that she’d given me inaccurate information.  The blood test that was abnormal was NOT in fact the one indicating I’d had a heart attack but one that indicated I had a blood clot.  All of a sudden I wasn’t rushing to the hospital for an angioplasty and shunts in my heart and hopefully not but probably emergency surgery but *JUST* to figure out where I had a blood clot.  WHEW!  It was like magic how my mind cleared of KNOWING exactly what was happening based on my deepest darkest fears and I was back to feeling  hopeful that this wasn’t as bad, whatever it turned out to be.

It was kind of fun being a clinical patient in the hospital and seeing the applications that I support every day and the users that use them for their jobs.  I got registered and filled out paperwork attesting that I wasn’t pregnant . . . blah blah blah . . . and went back for my test.  The radiology technician handed me a gown and said “so, you’re the one with the impressive d-dimer test, huh?”  It caught me off guard and it must have shown because he said “oh, wait, they didn’t tell you?”  Uh, no so now you better tell me I think!  He wouldn’t go any further than saying my levels were impressive and played it off that it had to be for me to be spending time with him.  Half an hour later I’d lived through my first CT scan with contrast and hadn’t peed my pants even though that’s exactly what it felt like was happening when that crap got inserted into my blood stream.  Now the waiting and more blood draws to see what happens now.

Before I could get dressed and walk across the lobby to the lab, my doctor was on the phone to discuss the test I’d just finished.  Good news: you’re not going to need to do that stress test because your heart is fine.  Bad news: you have a pulmonary embolism aka blood clots in your lungs.  Then there was a whole lot of talk about how usually you would be admitted and treated in the hospital but because your other test results came back normal and your blood pressure and blood oxygen levels are normal you’re a low risk of dying so you can have the choice to be treated at home.  Most of this went right over my head because I was still in shock about what I’d been diagnosed with.  Next steps: more blood draw to test the clotting factor in my blood, pick up prescriptions for anti-coagulation meds to start immediately then back at the hospital at SEVEN AM for ultrasound of the veins in my legs and immediately back to the doctor to discuss treatment.

No longer was I stressing about how my life was going to be limited to ten to fifteen years of struggling with coronary artery disease and early death before my children were grown, now my death had barely been missed and I was still in potentially immediate danger of dying right now.  Very staggering to say the least.  I tried to convey the information to Hubby while I got my labs drawn and my IV which I wasn’t going to need further after all removed so we could go to the pharmacy.  If I wasn’t already in enough shock at this point, the co-pay for one med I’d been prescribed which was the equivalent of a heparin IV drip and which makes my outpatient treatment an option came to TWELVE HUNDRED DOLLARS.  Thank god it’s October and I’ve had a full ten months to build up my Health Savings Account so I could just swipe the card and smile like I wasn’t freaking out.  What else could I do, right?

We headed home, I gave myself my first injection of anti-coagulation medication and tried to relax.  Which I couldn’t do so I took my mind off of things by doing a little writing.  I mean, it IS November which means I had a daily word count goal I needed to hit for NaNoWriMo.  I went to bed at eleven even though I had to be up at an ungodly hour to get back to the hospital the next morning for more tests. 

The ultrasound on my legs showed no clots in any of my veins which on one hand is very good news because there are no more clots waiting to break free and head for my lungs to choke my life potentially from me.  However, it means we still don’t have any real indication of how or why I got the ones I already have.

Here’s where I sing the praises of my new, and officially declared as mine, primary care physician.  Dr Zimmerman sat in the exam room with me for an hour and a half explaining what all this meant, what all my lab results showed, what being on anti-coagulation medication meant, what possible factors could have contributed to this “unprovoked” clot, and answered every single question I had.  While all the people he had double booked me on top of waited I’m sure.  If anyone needs a good doctor, I’ve got one I can recommend!  That ‘impressive’ d-dimer test the radiology technician mentioned?  A high is anything over 500, mine came back at 13,000.  Yep, pretty impressive.  During this chat, I heard lots of stories about people who ignored their warning signs and are dead because of it.  People who were hospitalized for treatment and died anyway.  Very staggering stories considering I ignored at least one of my super early warning signs.  I’m choosing to focus on how lucky I am to have coronary artery disease in my immediate family which I live in fear of developing and how glad I am for being very in tune with my body enough to recognize that there were subtle things not quite right that got me to the doctor.

Now I’m living with twice a day injections and twice a week blood testing until my anti-coagulation dosing gets stablized so my body doesn’t make more clots while the clots I have dissolve.  And watching for any signs that I need to go to an ER.  As my amazing doctor said, I’m still a patient in the hospital in his mind even if I’m not physically in the hospital environment.  I hate every minute of having to take things slower because I can’t physically do everyday normal things.  Today I carried a laundry basket from the bedroom to the laundry room and needed to rest.  Stood at the kitchen sink to load the dishwasher of dirty dishes and had to take a three hour nap when I was done.  But, I’m still alive so I won’t bitch too much about any of it.  The clots, which are in both lungs, are basically cutting off half of my air supply so everything I’m going through is expected.

The best news at the end of the day is that once my lungs are clear of clots in the next couple of weeks I can start running again and doc doesn’t think my planned half marathon in the spring is too aggressive a goal to shoot for.  I told him this was a pretty expensive episode of “check with your doctor before beginning any new exercise program” but that I was really glad I’d done it.  There are still no answers as to what caused these clots to form in the first place which irritates that part of me that wants clear and definitive answers to file away so I can avoid whatever it is so it doesn’t happen again and eventually quit taking anti-coagulation meds that come with even more risks long term.  Personally, I still suspect that damn flu shot as being a contributor plus the birth control pills I’ve been on for ten months that “increase the risk of blood clots in women over 35”.  But, for now, I’m focusing on taking it easy so my body can heal and life can return to normal.


It was wonderful and it was horrible

I survived – and finished – Ragnar Wasatch Back relay 2012.  It was amazing and wonderful on one hand, and on the other it was terrible and horrible.

The amazing and wonderful came from all the things that weren’t running – with the exception of the first half of my run in the middle of the night.  Hubby and I hand-picked our van-mates after having experienced the difference between a Ragnar with new friends you get to know better and a van full of old friends.  Hubby got hurt in late January and could not train so he bowed out a couple of months before race day.  His substitution – who we met on our Vegas team last year – luckily was as cool as he is and fit in perfectly with the vibe in the van.  It was a weekend full of laughing until our abs hurt – and laughing even more when we wondered why our abs hurt so badly.  A weekend full of my favorite word (you know, the one that starts with F and ends in uck!) spoken freely from everyone and thus no need to filter from my own mouth.  A weekend full of judging.  And whores.  I could tell you more, but what happens on Ragnar stays on Ragnar.

The terrible and horrible part sums up having to run in extreme heat when I hadn’t trained properly at all.  I’m still a hormonally imbalanced mental and emotional wreck who is carrying around an extra 10-15 pounds thanks to my injury last fall and the cursed birth control I’m still stuck on.  (Seriously, what’s the deal with men getting all freaked about letting a doctor cut open their junk and sterilize them?)  My broken give-a-damn had me down to barely running the couple of weeks before race day and it all combined with the extreme heat for a perfect storm of horrible.  We had an injury in the other van and trades happening in our van to make sure we were better positioned for the right runner on the right legs.  It was hard not to be discouraged about being one of the two non-ultra runners in our van but I was in that category with one of my best friends.  We kept each others spirits up while the other four of our van-mates ran circles around us.  I like to think it was just sheer brilliance on my part that I stacked the van with the best runners I know who could get us up and over the most narly hill Ragnar has to offer anywhere but comparing yourself to others is so innate…  The fact that there was someone capable of running the last three miles of my last run rather than make me suffer in the heat and push the entire team even further behind our scheduled finish was sheer genius on my part, right?

Looking back on the whole experience I am once again amazed at what I did when, in the moment, I didn’t think I could do any of it.  I finished with my first daytime/heat/miserable run and thought ‘I’m done, let’s just go home’.  Then my night run was in a canyon where I had spotty GPS signal so I used my UN-calibrated Nike+ iPod sensor which I luckily just always have on my running shoes.  Brilliant – or so I thought until I figured out it was feeding me such inaccurate data that I’d pushed myself too hard and too fast in the beginning to have enough left to finish strong.  The first five miles were blissful – middle of the night, cold enough I could see my breath puffing out in the light of my headlamp, DOWNHILL on a canyon road, the moon rising over the mountains.  The last two miles of that run were so hard and ended with me limping into the exchange cursing with every step – literally.  I’m pretty sure I completely ruined the innocence of that volunteer I ran past.  After that, I knew there was no way I could run again and started to worry and fret about how I was going to have to walk my entire third run – the hardest of my three because it was all uphill.  But guess what, when it was time to run again after having caught maybe two hours of sleep in little cat-nap snippets, I ran!  If it hadn’t been so hot, I would have run that whole leg.  That fact still amazes me.  Maybe that’s what Ragnar is really about – pushing yourself beyond what you think you are capable of and finding that you’re capable of so much more than you thought you were.

Registration for next year’s race is already open and I promised Hubby we would not register a team for next year – which freaks me out whenever I think about it.  But never fear, we are still going to be Ragnarians.  Hubby and I decided to compromise.  We will do Wasatch Back every other year and do another somewhere else on the off-years.  Next year we’re planning on Northwest Passage in the Seattle area.  It might be my favorite race since the average temp for the area on race weekend is low 70’s – at sea level even.  Still hot but not hell-hot.  Why can’t they do a Ragnar somewhere when it’s only 50-60 degrees?   Now THAT would rock!!

Next up: fixing my give-a-damn so I can talk myself into another half marathon in the next year.  After all if you don’t have something to train for, it’s harder to keep pushing yourself past your comfort zone.


Las Vegas – Ragnar Style

You know it’s November, right?  Which means I SHOULD be writing my novel and not recapping Ragnar.  But if I don’t do it now all the amazing things that I want to remember will fade as all memories do.  And that would suck.  So I’m taking one for all of you and will just suck it up and drink an extra cup of coffee so I can stay up later tonight to meet my writing goal after I finish this post.  Aren’t you glad I love you, my readers?
The things that make a Ragnar a Ragnar don’t ever change – you still have twelve people split between two vans who run leapfrog style taking turns running their way through two hundred miles to the finish line.  In between, there’s three runs a piece, two periods of “rest” when your van is not the one with the active runners, and lots and lots of driving.  So, I won’t regale you with the sweaty details of the parts you already know about.
What was different between Vegas and Wasatch Back?
1.  We had different van mates.
This time we were invited to join a team and I was NOT the captain.  What a refreshing change for me not to have to worry about every little detail!  Hubby and I and Steven got to ride and run with two of our friends that were in the “other” van on Wasatch Back – Carrie and Nancy – driven by Nancy’s hubby, Trent.  We rounded out the sixth with one of my brother’s friends – Austin – who fit in amazingly well.  Probably because he is as sarcastic and fun as we all are.  I’m telling you, the people in your van make all the difference in the world on the experience you will have.  If you ever do one, you want to stack your van with YOUR peeps, provided you have peeps that are crazy enough to do this race with you.
2.  The other van was full of elite runners.
Four of the six people in the other van did the same race last year as an ultra team.  Which means they are crazy enough to do the entire two hundred miles split up between only six of them instead of twelve.  Because the entire van were elite runners with sub eight minute mile paces (that is INSANELY fast for those of you non-runners) we didn’t have much down time between our running.  The first time we had about three hours.  That was just enough time to get to the next exchange point to wait for them, snarf some amazing food (tri-tips and chicken grilled to perfection with a side of delicious pasta salad) sitting on asphalt in a dark parking lot and then sacking out in the gravel between the bushes of the planter boxes of the same dark parking lot.  The second time we had about five hours in the wee hours of the morning.  Not being locals, we had to follow the course the runners were on, through winding dirt and gravel roads, to get to the next exchange to wait.  That drive ate two hours of our time up and later we learned we could have taken the interstate and a much more direct route.  If only we had known.  This is also why Steven and Austin didn’t really sleep.  Steven because he took over the driving detail when Trent started falling asleep so we didn’t all die.  I think Austin is just not used to sacking out with strangers…didn’t want to let his guard down, maybe?
3.  Fewer teams on the course.
This is a huge catch-22 for me.  Wasatch Back allows one thousand and fifty teams and sells out every single year.  That’s twenty two HUNDRED vans on the back roads between Logan and Park City.  Vegas had about four hundred fifty teams total and it really was much better.  There wasn’t as much chaos at the major exchanges.  We could adequately support our runners without fearing we wouldn’t make it to drop the next runner off in time.  All the things those people who don’t want me personally to get OFF the waiting list for Wasatch Back 2012 have said in protest when they talk about allowing more teams.  I get it now.  Fewer teams means a more laid back race for everyone.  And I really enjoyed that part of the Vegas race.
4.  The scenery sucks.
I’m sorry to anyone who thinks that dessert landscape is beautiful, because I think those people are nuts.  I had to run through desolate stretches of ugly ass scenery twice with the sun baking down on me feeling like I would shrivel up and die.  Like some dead lizard.  And no one would ever find my body.  I’m used to running in the majestic beauty of northern Utah and by comparison this totally sucked.  Not a tree in sight, no shade for miles, and dirt.  In eight six and ninety degree heat respectively.  For the record, I know why the Vegas race is where they give you double medals.  Otherwise, no one would want to do it!  Of course, there were some pretty parts – Lake Mead at the first major exchange point between vans, and the Red Rock area near the finish were both pretty.  And the one bad ass hill we had to climb had a few trees at the top with a small section where it could be called nice.  However, I did not get to run anywhere near any of those places.
5.  The jokes were a lot more funny this time around – probably because we were all so much more sleep deprived!
  • Every time one of us would do something dumb, someone would smile and reply “aw, at least you’re pretty”.  This little saying was used so often it ended up written on the window by the end.
  • Bad ass honey badgers.  If you haven’t seen the youtube video, you should.  Although it will never be as funny as we all thought it was with zero sleep when we had it playing on one of the iPhones in the middle of the night.  We picked up and repeated two lines from this little gem:  “You’re a bad-ass honey badger – you don’t give a shit!” and “I’m a tired little fuck”.  Trust me, even I thought it was less funny when I got home and had gotten a little sleep so don’t feel bad if you don’t ‘get it’.  (at least you’re pretty!)
  • Austin obsessing about how all he needed when he got done running was a banana – and me meeting him at the exchange after his hardest leg with one.
  • Strobe light effects from a high-powered mag light accompanied by cow bells out the window in the middle of the night, compliments of Trent the driver extraordinaire.
  • “You guys can take your vests off now”.  Three of us in the back seat had fallen asleep on the two hour drive from hell.  When we arrived it was daylight and we all still had our night gear on.  
  • The anonymous chalk message written on a part of the course Austin ran that said “pick up your vagina and run faster!”  It became our mantra.
  • When the girls weren’t feeling so fresh anymore, Carrie stopped and bought a little bottle of baby powder that we then used to freshen up.  Guess what – you can overdo powdering your girl parts in compression shorts… afterward, we had the insanely funny idea of calling our team the “Powder Pussies” the next time we raced.  Something tells me that name might not be allowed.
  • Relating an injury to the other van and referring to it as “I bruised my vagina”.  Oh the jokes that followed that one…  
There were so many other noteworthy things that happened in those thirty three hours that I could go on and on about:
  •  Steven saying randomly over and over, “Austin, have I said ‘thank you’ lately?” every time he thought about how he was originally assigned to the runner position Austin did.
  • Taking time to set up a tent at the last major exchange so we could all go inside, strip down and take a baby-wipe shower.  “You know you’re on Ragnar when a baby wipe shower is the highlight of your weekend.”
  • Hubby getting mad at the inconsiderate and obnoxious college-aged children who wouldn’t shut up so we could sleep on the ground around them.
  • Carrie and Nancy running all three times in the dark.
  • Steven’s sprint finish on his last run.
  • My getting the shaft and having to run TWICE in the dreaded heat – in the ugliest parts of the course to boot.
  • Watching Austin power through his TEN mile run – six of which was brutal uphill and then being stubborn to a fault when asked if he wanted/needed someone to take over and finish it for him.
  • Losing Carrie at the second major exchange after she handed off to the other van.
  • Lake Las Vegas at night is so amazingly beautiful!  We all said we wanted to come back to Vegas and stay there instead of the usual places you think of when you think Las Vegas.
  • Hubby starting the weekend saying “this is my last Ragnar”.  And then kicking ass and feeling so great at the end that he was asking when the next one is.
  • The wonders of ‘Sore No More’ cream – just don’t put it near your girl parts!
  • Nancy crying out “That’s MY girl” when a confused runner from a different team slapped her bracelet on Carrie who was waiting for Nancy to hand off to her.
  • Nancy and Carrie both running personal-best fastest times – on their THIRD runs when they were the most tired.  Both of them ran sub-nine minute miles.  A-maz-ing!
  • Nancy commenting on how fast this adorable, young girl runner was when she left the exchange significantly ahead of Nancy – and then Nancy running so fast she overtook the same girl while we all cheered her on with cowbells.  Then when Nancy passed off to Carrie, she paced the entire leg with the same girls’ husband who happened to be the same guy who offered us bananas at the first leg when Austin was obsessing about how badly he needed a banana.  See, smaller is better!
  • Wine for the women at the finish line.  The bottle we bought in a gas station and had hauled with us the whole way in the cooler.  Drank from a shared paper cup we swiped from the hotel room.  Best glass of wine ever because it was so deserved.
  • Feeling sorry for people we saw at the finish line with “only” one medal because this was their first Ragnar of the year.  Saints and Sinners medal for those of us who did Wasatch Back this year and Deuces Wild medal for those who had done at least one other one plus Vegas this year.
  • Walking through The Paris hotel casino after the race was over.  Sweaty, stinky, haggard looking while women in hoochie skirts and hooker heels made up perfectly passed by on all sides.  And not giving a shit because just being there meant we were headed to a shower and a real bed.
  • Crashing in the room and not seeing a single typical Vegas sight before hitting the road to come home the next day.  Although Steven did!
So what about my own personal experience running this time around?
The highlight of the running part for me was my night run at one in the morning.  It was chilly enough for a light jacket, I could see the Strip all lit up in the distance, and the run itself was easy and enjoyable.  Well, that is until it was longer than advertised and I had spent everything I had in me thinking I was almost done.  Luckily, Carrie had back-tracked to find me in the dark after they parked and we ran in together the last half mile.  I was hurting and spent and she kept trying to distract me by making me think about what I was going to do the minute we got done and what drink we were going to celebrate our finish with.  I don’t know if I ever even answered her, but just having to think about it in my head and knowing she was right there with me kept me pushing to the end.  She’s my favorite little ferret.
The lowest part for me was when I had to admit I couldn’t finish my last run.  I’d been ignoring a pretty significant running injury for months (ha, still am!) and after the end of my second run I knew the third was going to be brutal.  Luckily, it was going to be one hundred percent downhill.  Not a single foot of elevation increase according to the race maps.  I started out feeling great and pounding the miles out.  About two miles into my six mile run it wasn’t downhill anymore.  And uphill aggravates my injury worse – plantar fasciitis – as it pulls the tendon on the bottom of my foot in a bad way.  I was still in good spirits and made a deal with myself and my burning foot:  walk the distance between every other barrel cone and run the rest.  That worked for about a mile and then I could barely walk and had to stop at every barrel to stretch my calves just so I could walk to the next one.  Every step sent sharp pains shooting up from my foot and I literally thought I was going to die.  No more running for this girl.  Not that day.  So I walked – and cried – and cried harder as each person passed me – until I could see my van appear over the next rolling hill.  Nancy was walking toward me and as I came within earshot she asked if I was all right.  I told her ‘No’ and cried harder as she took off running back toward the van.  My amazing Hubby – who already knew it was too bloody hot out and too much rolling hills for me to handle – had already suited up and warmed up and was ready to go.  He crossed the two-lane highway, hugged and kissed me and let me cry on his shoulder for a second and then finished my last mile and did his six.  The fact that this is my lowest point and most likely made his Ragnar all at the same time is only a little ironic.  Almost as ironic as knowing he was unable to finish his last leg on the Wasatch Back and had trained super hard for Vegas so as not to repeat it.  He was certainly my hero that day.  
After, we talked about how this Ragnar was Blood, Sweat and Tears.  Hubby had bled when he banged his leg on the tailgate at some point, we were ALL sweaty and stinky, and I had cried like a baby… In the end, we all decided that Ragnar is really about being with friends for thirty six hours straight.  The running  part is just a reason to make the time and do it.
Here’s hoping we get a spot for Wasatch Back in 2012.  And if not, we’ll find another one to do instead!

    Where were you on September 11, 2001?

    It’s been ten years this weekend since the World Trade Center Towers were hit by planes and subsequently collapsed; the act which started the country down the road toward it’s current state with two wars being waged, civil rights restricted in the name of National Security and overwhelming deficits where we are robbing Peter not even pretending to pay Paul.  I worry for my children and wonder what their lives as American citizens will be like when they are my age and paying taxes.  Luckily, Big Sister has already begun taking an interest in the election process and last week asked me when she gets to vote.  At nine she has more interest than half of my siblings do.

    But I digress… this is about my memories of where I was on that fateful day in September of 2001.  A day like the one when Kennedy was shot since everyone old enough to have memory of it can tell you exactly where they were and what they were doing when it happened.

    At the time, I was eight months pregnant with our first child, Big Sister.  Hubby and I were living in Tooele, Utah and both working in Salt Lake City which meant long commutes.  Hubby would wake up super early and be on the road by five AM and I would wake a couple of hours later to the television turning on – still the coolest alarm clock I’ve ever had.  I would lay in bed half conscious for the end of the local news until the Today show would come on at seven which was my queue to get up and get in the shower.  Instead of hitting the snooze button I’d watch the first little segment of national news and then get up.  That morning they were doing live coverage special reporting showing aerial shots of the World Trade Center towers, one of which had smoke coming out of it toward the top, and speculating on what could have happened.  Initial reports were just coming in about something having hit it with everyone at that point still thinking it was some kind of  horrible accident.

    And then – live on television – I saw the second plane hit.  And they played it over and over for the rest of the morning while the country’s collective sat in shock at the realization this was being done on purpose. Unfathomable.

    It’s mostly a blur from there as reports were made about yet another plane hitting the Pentagon and eventually the plane that crashed in a field in Pennsylvania instead of it’s intended target because the passengers fought back against the hijackers.  I remember sitting there in bed rubbing my pregnant belly and wondering what kind of a world I was going to bring this new baby into and wishing Hubby was there with me instead of just a voice on the other end of the phone sounding just as shocked as I was feeling.  He was watching on television at work after a coworker’s wife had called and told them to tune in.

    I vaguely remember getting ready for work and heading for the office, much later than usual.  I kept wandering back and forth between the bathroom and the bedroom glued to the television.  Before I left I saw both the towers collapse – still live.  When I got to work, the little thirteen inch TV in the break room on top of the refrigerator, which I had only before seen used by the night janitorial crew, was turned on showing the news recapping over and over what people just tuning in might have missed.  People would wander into the small cramped room, watch for a bit, then wander away.  Everyone who had radios on their desks were listening to news reports.  Streaming CNN was choking our network broadband but not much work was happening anyway so no one said anything.  Everyone was talking about it constantly.  Many were visibly shaken and emotional.  Some never left that room all day.

    The entire country was in chaos.   One of my coworker friends had left that morning for a vacation in New York.  I remember being frantic, worried if she was on one of the planes, and relieved when I heard from her.  They had arrived hours earlier and were nowhere near ground zero, as it was later dubbed, but had tried to make their way closer to see what was happening.  One of my closest friends at the time had just sent her husband off on a plane that morning for training in the Midwest.  His plane was grounded when they closed the airspace stranding him in Las Vegas for days until the two of us drove down to get him one night after work.  We returned just in time to change our clothes and go to work the next morning.

    I was very lucky since neither Hubby or I had anyone close – or even an acquaintance – who were killed on that day.  Although thousands were not that lucky.  And that doesn’t include the thousands who have been killed since that day in Iraq and Afghanistan.  In reality, the country hasn’t been the same since…  And in many ways it is hard to believe it has been ten years.

    Do you remember where you were that morning?


    Ragnar Wasatch Back 2011 – Part 3

    It took us more than an hour to drive directly to the major exchange at the Oakley Rodeo Grounds where we would take the baton from Van Two in the morning.  It was a cluster trying to get out of the East Canyon State Park because they were routing people down and around to wind through the campgrounds instead of letting us get directly back up onto the road.  By the time we got there, we were so exhausted and ready for sleep.  We parked in the far corner of the parking lot in front of what looked like a grassy area we could lay down and sleep on.  We hiked across the vast parking lot to stand in line for the Honey Buckets… again… and nearly froze to death.  It was one AM at this point and we had been up for nearly twenty four hours.  And I’d run fifteen miles!

    When I got back to the car, shivering, I told Hubby there was no way I was going to sleep outside in our light sleeping bags we had packed.  Maybe if we had sub-zero rated bags it would be a different story.  So, we climbed back into the car and tried to sleep.  Steven, who is over six feet tall, headed out with his fleece blanket to attempt to sleep lying down on the ground instead of folded into a seat.  Sean headed to the free hot chocolate tent where we assumed he was hooking up with chicks, being the available bachelor of the group, and we didn’t see him for several hours.  The rest of us tried to curl up with pillows jammed between the window and side of our necks so we could ward off the crick in the neck you get from sleeping with your head on your own shoulder.  Well, everyone except my sister who couldn’t find her pillow.  Being the awesome wife I am and knowing how hard this situation was going to be on Hubby who has a ruptured disk in his lower back, I let him recline the seat in front of me so he could kind of stretch out.  Which meant I was crammed in between his seat and mine with little room to maneuver…

    A while later, Sean crawled back into the car who, it turns out, had not been picking up chicks but had gone out to the grass and laid down to sleep – without even a blanket.  No wonder that didn’t last long!  So now we have my sister in the driver seat, minus her pillow; Hubby in the passenger seat, reclined; me crammed behind Hubby in a seat that didn’t recline, Sean in the other non-reclining seat behind my sister, and Jose and Jaclyn sharing the back seat feet-pointed-toward-each-other style.  A couple of tossing and turning hours later at about three am, the overhead light went on with Steven at the door.  I’ll never forget what he said in his apologetic voice… “Sorry guys, but I can’t feel my feet.  I need to get back in.”  So, Jaclyn – who weighed all of about ninety pounds – climbed into the very back and laid on top of all our bags and coolers, etc.  Now Jose and Steven are in the back and we all try and go back to sleep.  Well, first I snap some photos to prove it is possible to sleep seven adults in one Ford Excursion.  The same photos that exposed Jose as the pillow thief he is since once they were posted to Facebook my sister screamed “That’s my pillow!!  No wonder I couldn’t find it and no wonder it stunk when I got it home!!”

    About four o’clock I was so cold, even with my sleeping bag on top of me like a blanket, that I whispered to my sister to turn the car on so we could get warm.  Which she promptly obliged, probably because she hadn’t been warm since we left the hotel Friday morning.  We ran the heater until it was so hot in there I thought I would vomit (which according to her was not nearly long enough) and then I realized I was hungry.  Like my stomach was growling.  Guess who hadn’t eaten after her second run and who had an empty tank with nothing left to fuel another run in a couple of hours.  Yes, the same girl who still can’t run on either an empty or a full stomach.  Luckily someone had passed the reusable grocery back toward the front and I had the makings of PB&J within reach.  I made me a sandwich and ate some grapes from the fruit cooler between the seats with the aid of my headlamp – which I never actually used for running but was required to have – without disturbing the rest of my van-mates.

    After I was done eating I realized it was coming up on about four thirty and if the other van had either made up time or was on schedule still, we were going to need to be ready to run in just over an hour.  I sent Melissa a text to check in and found they had fallen even further behind.  They estimated they wouldn’t be done and ready to pass off to us until about eight o’clock.  Elated, I switched my alarm clock on my phone to much later and fell back to sleep, kind of.

    The alarm clock went off at six forty five and everyone groaned since if I was up and needing to change my clothes, everyone had to be up so we could unload the car to get my bag out.  They were offering breakfast of pancakes, eggs and sausage that we took advantage of.  I changed out of the clothes I had spent the last thirty hours in and wiped down with some baby wipes – since there were no showers available.  You never think that a wipe down with baby wipes is going to cut it until you’re in a situation where it does and then you’re grateful to have them.  The downside of the morning was when my sister was in line for the Honey Buckets and the pump truck arrived to pump them out, and she was downwind.  It was disgusting enough that she had almost made her way to the front of the line and still stepped out of it to escape the stink.  I will say that overall the Honey Buckets themselves were never disgusting and the race team did a fabulous job coordinating the servicing to accommodate fourteen thousand runners using them constantly.

    By the time we had all cleaned ourselves up, the sun was shining, mocking us with the inviting field of grass we could have slept on had we had the appropriate gear.  We headed for the exchange to wait for Van Two.  We had about half an hour of hanging out with the girls from the other van hearing about their overnight runs and van antics and the fact that they had not had any sleep yet while we waited for Melissa to arrive.  I was so nervous and didn’t think I had anymore running in me.  I had rolled out with TheStick (which every runner must have we all decided that weekend) but I hadn’t stretched much after my last run because it was too cold outside to do it before we hit the sack.  I worried that I’d beaten my body to it’s limit and it would rebel.  I feared I’d take the baton and have to walk the whole length of my last four mile run.

    I didn’t need to be nervous, though.  Melissa arrived, told me she had fallen on her face, and sent me on my way with the baton.  I had psyched myself up, swore I would not humiliate myself by walking out of the exchange no matter what and surprisingly ran the first mile and a half straight.  Then I hit some rolling hills and did more walk/run intervals telling my concerned van-mates that I was fine and was just going to take it easy.  I had plenty of water and I would see them at the exchange since it was a short little run of four point one miles.

    When I hit two miles according to my GPS I celebrated that I was halfway there and kept telling myself that even though I could see the course ahead of me and knew it was uphill the remainder of the way that I could do it.  After all, I only had to go one more mile and then I’d see that beautiful and much loved marker that proclaimed “one mile to go”.  I was on the home stretch!

    I looked down at my GPS and saw that I had gone three point nine miles, which meant I had a mere three tenths of a mile to go, and looked up to see… the “one mile to go” marker which was not welcome HERE and had become a taunt rather than a beloved sight.  What the fuck are you talking about one mile to go?  I KNOW this leg was only four point one miles!  It must be a joke, right?!  Only it wasn’t… turns out the leg was actually four point nine, in other words a five mile leg, not the four I was expecting.  That last mile began to drag out and my body – which I had been making deals with all morning to please just get me to that last exchange – started to scream in agony.  My right foot started shooting weird pain from my arch down to my toes which I started worrying was some kind of injury; I could no longer muster the energy for even a short run interval between the walking and I was putting us seriously behind in our times.

    I rounded the last corner and could see the exchange ahead of me.  With the last ounce of will I had left I started running and as I got within fifty yards I screamed – at the top of my lungs with both arms held high, “I’M FUCKING DONE!”  Did I care that my language probably offended half the people standing around?  Not in the least…  And I even had someone yell it back at me as I passed saying she thought she was the only one who felt that way.  With jubilant screams and relief proceeding me, I saw my Hubby step up to take the baton from me for the last time.  The running part of my Ragnar was over!

    I stretched my poor calves and feet a bit and heard that the talk in the van had been along the lines of “why doesn’t she let someone else take the last leg if she’s hurting that much?”  Which my wise sister proclaimed, accurately, I would never do because I was stubborn and had said I’d do it and by god would.  We loaded into the van to catch up with Hubby who only had three miles to go.  He ended up tweaking his knee not even a mile in and couldn’t run anymore.  He had to walk most of his third leg and hated every minute of it and most especially those minutes that included someone passing him.  I hated seeing his disappointment of not finishing strong but reminded him that he barely trained for this event and should be proud that he did as well as he did on the first two legs and even had the ability to walk the last one.

    Everyone else had short and easy legs except Steven who had been dreading his hardest and longest third run.  It was over eight miles up another mountain highway pass behind Jordanelle.  It was also a leg of no van support so we waved him goodbye from the exchange and toiled a bit to let Hubby and I stretch and relax a little before we made our way to the next exchange.  Steven kicked ass doing what he calls construction intervals – run to a cone, walk to a cone.  Then we watched Jacklyn sprint down into Heber Valley like a shot running about six and a half minute miles.  Not bad for a mountain biker who doesn’t run outside very often!  She made up time for both Hubby and I and then Sean and Jose had quick and easy runs and we arrived in Heber to trade off one last time to Van Two at about one o’clock.

    After the last exchange, we stretched out on the grass and again pulled out the cooler and food.  We were so ravenous!  Jose’s family – who weren’t going to see him for two weeks between business travel and Ragnar weekend – came and met us and Jose and Sean went home with them after we snapped some “OMG We did it” photos.  (Deserters!)

    We packed the car one last time, two people short, and headed for Park City High School and the finish line.  We parked, used the Honey Buckets… again, walked forever to get to the stadium and then hung out for hours waiting for the team finish.  We browsed through the very picked over merchandise tent, wandered past all the other vendor tents, scoped out the food and copped a squat at a table.  Steven’s family and Jaclyn’s husband arrived and we got to tell our first recap of the weekend and relive the adventure we were still on.  After some more food, we ended up in the end zone of the football field so we could have an easy reference point to tell Van Two where to meet us when they arrived.  Since Steven’s wife is a close friend, I chatted while my sister and Hubby fell asleep on the astro-turf.

    Then Van Two arrived and at last we were all together.  Mina, the nurse practitioner and all around kick ass woman, took one look at Hubby’s knee and promptly escorted him to the first aid tent for an exam and an ice pack.  Turns out he had overused and irritated his knee and needed Rest, Ice, Compression and Elevation but had not torn his ACL again which is always his first fear.  We made our way to the team holding area and began the stretch of waiting for them to announce our number over the PA so we could go onto the track and run with Melissa the last tenth of a mile to the finish line together.  It was fun catching each other up on what each van had been up to.  Mina disappeared and turns out had gone down the trail to meet Melissa and run in with her since this had been a no van support leg the whole way for her.

    Finally they announced team 1048, Run Piggies Run and Melissa and Mina ran up onto the track and we all sprinted for the finish together… until I screamed “slow down” so we wouldn’t leave my poor Hubby behind.  We crossed at just past eight thirty PM.  There were tons of smiles and lots of pictures snapped as we crossed as a team – well, minus the deserters who went home early.  We were quickly herded to the adjoining tents to receive our medals and other finish line goodies and then to pose for official team finish photos in our medals.  Two free pizzas from Little Caesars were snarfed down and poor Melissa tried to process it all while overwhelmed that she had just finished her long and very difficult run while we all rested and waited in anticipation.

    Our official time was one hundred ninety two miles in thirty eight hours, five minutes and nine seconds.  The winners did it in about eighteen hours, but we were not the last team to finish which is all that mattered.  The only thing that mattered was that we DID finish!

    We all walked together to the cars to hand out the official shirts that I’d been carrying around in Van One all weekend.  Steven, Jaclyn and Mina went home with their families who came to watch the team finish.  And the rest of us all climbed back into the stinky vans to make our way home after group hugs galore and talk about doing it all again.

    I don’t know if, after all of this, I have successfully expressed how amazing this weekend was.  It was the most grueling and rewarding thing I have ever done.  At times I hated it, at times I wanted to smack van-mates when my sleep deprived bitchy side was showing.  But at the same time I loved every minute of the experience and I can’t wait to do it again!  Ragnar Vegas?  Ragnar Napa?  Anyone?  The funniest thing is that registration for 2012 Wasatch Back is already open exclusively for those who did it this year.  So I’m already back to planning and logistics mode for next year.  If you’re interested in being on the 2012 team, let me know!

    My most relished moment overall was applying the badge of honor to the rear window of my car: the coveted Ragnar sticker.  As Steven said, it makes it that much more impressive knowing that you don’t get it when you check in, you can’t buy it anywhere, you only get it when you finish.  In other words, it is earned!  Yes, the medal is nice and includes a bottle opener but it doesn’t have anything on the sticker!


    Ragnar Wasatch Back 2011 – Part 2

    We arrived at Snow Basin, the second major exchange where we would eventually meet up with the runner from Van Two and get the baton back to kick off our second set of runs, at about two o’clock.  We didn’t have much down time since the first set of legs for Van Two were all fairly short and they only had about five hours of running.  Plus we’d hung out in Eden for a while already.  We hiked from the lower parking lot to the lodge, stood in line for the Honey Buckets with the masses, and hiked back to the car.  We had planned ahead to have real food with us and pulled the cooler out for pasta salad and grilled chicken.  It was nice to lay down on the ground and stretch our legs.  We even ended up being sucked into the merchandise tent to get our Ragnar gear – hoodies, shirts and beanies.

    At this point in the day it wasn’t much different than a day of training; I’d already done several days run in the morning and run at night.  And this was the leg I was super excited for – my downhill leg.  We checked in with the other team to see if they were on track for their run schedule, which they were, and relaxed for a bit.  Steven was the smartest of us who wandered off with his blanket to find a shaded spot to try and get some sleep.  The rest of us laughed and gossiped and talked about our next set of legs.

    At about quarter till five o’clock we packed our gear up and got ready to head for the exchange point.  This meant it was time for me to get nervous with anticipation again and start checking and double checking all my gear.  I failed to mention that on my first leg my iPod decided to quit about a mile in.  It doesn’t like cold temperatures as much as I do apparently.  I’d charged it in the car and strapped it onto my arm hoping it wouldn’t fail me this time since I had a two hour run ahead of me.  Garmin on my wrist, check.  Heart rate monitor and Nike+ Sportband on the other, check.  I filled up my water bottle to strap to my back, loaded up with my Gu for pre-run and mid-run fueling and prepped my recovery shake with water in my blender ball.  I sprayed down with sunscreen and was ready.

    Or so I thought…

    I stood at the exchange for a long time waiting for Melissa – the last runner from Van Two.  I couldn’t blame her, she was running up the steep canyon road and she had told us she’d have to walk parts of it.  I couldn’t have done it and there’s no shame in walking.  The exchange was crazy and the volunteers were clearly not very adjusted to what they were doing – I suspected it was shift change.  The runners were all lined up and craning necks to try and watch who was rounding the corner to see if it was their team mate or not.  The more we craned our necks, the more the volunteers told us to step back.  All the other exchanges had people who were radioing ahead from a half mile out when each runner would pass and they would announce the team number for those waiting.  Well, not this exchange.  Finally I saw her turn the corner running like a trooper.  Apparently my Hubby, always the jokester, yelled “way to go, Melissa!  Just one more mile!”  Melissa didn’t miss a beat and promptly flipped him the bird and the crowd roared with laughter.  The fact that I missed this exchange completely, even standing right there, tells you how distracted I was and focused on my run.  Hubby was laughing about it later and I had no idea what he was talking about.

    And then I had taken the baton, slapped it around my wrist and headed off… On a journey into Hell.

    The description of my leg was something like ‘depart exchange 12 via utility road behind the lodge, turn right onto Snow Basin Road… blah blah blah… DOWN the canyon into Ogden Valley’.  The reality of that utility road was nothing that I had planned for.  It didn’t just go quaintly behind the lodge that was right there, it went half a mile up the ski hill behind the lodge and was rocky as hell.  I couldn’t run it without twisting my ankle so it was more like a hike – a slow hike up a fifteen percent incline.  I was super dejected when I realized it was a ski lift I was running next to and the road just kept going up.  Finally, after what seemed like miles, the road turned back down the hill and my heart and lungs got a little breather – not to mention my legs.  The worst part was the bugs – that kept hitting me in the face and sticking to the sweat there.  And, of course, there was no van support on this section so I couldn’t even tell anyone I needed the bug spray, which was buried in my bag in the back of the van anyway.  I was miserable and had eight miles left to go.

    And then I hit the snow…

    Yes, SNOW!  I had to climb three steps up onto the top of a large section of snow and run across the top of it.  Trust me, I looked and there was no way around that snowbank that completely covered a section of the utility road.  It was slushy snow – a pile which had been there for a while, cold, then melted, then cold again. I slipped and sloshed around in the ankle-deep slush on top literally cursing with each step thinking about how miserable this run would be if I had wet shoes or wet socks or both.

    Once past the snow, I hit the road and was finally back to van-support.  I had a section of uphill which I figured was my last and settled in for walk/run intervals to get to the top.  Running is such a mental sport and I kept telling myself that I could do it and focused on the downhill reward after this little uphill section since then I would be heading back down to hook up to the main canyon highway from the little detour into the ski resort exchange point.  Not long after I hit the road I saw the blessed – and now recognizable thanks to our decorating efforts – back of my van.  I yelled at the top of my lungs “bug spray!” and hoped my sister who was hanging out the open driver’s window could understand what I was screaming.  She did and luckily had some which was more handy than mine and didn’t require an unpacking of the van to get to.  I stopped to get sprayed down, glad for the little rest after the uphill, and headed out again – still excited.

    And man was that downhill ever fun!  Seven percent downgrade – hell yes!  Except it didn’t last as long as I thought and about two more miles down when I hit the main highway I was back to uphill… and it was a long and steady slight uphill grade which is my least favorite.  I’d rather have a super tough but short uphill that I can psych myself up about and push through.  This was torture.  And on top of that, we were now in an area of main highway and the support people in my van couldn’t get out and cross the road to me if I needed anything.  I’d already drank most of my water I was carrying, was feeling the late day heat and knew I’d need more.  Since it was a long non-van support leg, there were water stations and at the first one they let me refill my water bottle and I grabbed some Powerade.  About that time my calf started cramping up because I hadn’t stretched as much as I should have between runs.  I yelled to the van across the highway that I needed a banana and Steven chucked one across the road.  I’m a total girl so I didn’t catch it and it landed at my feet, broken open and smashed on one end.  I ate most of it and tossed the biodegradable remains over the side of the cliff and pushed on hoping my dancing nanny who had told me the trick of eating a banana to get rid of cramps was right.  Guess what, she was!

    The rest of the leg translated much differently in reality than what I had envisioned based on the graphic on the leg map.  It was more rolling hills with a general trend downward.  So not what I had been looking forward to in the form of constant downhill! Guess I should have trained for uphill just a bit more than I had…

    At the halfway point I was a wreck.  I had pushed my body to lengths it had never been pushed before and I was approaching – and would exceed – the most mileage I had ever run in a twelve hour period.  Not even my half marathon mileage was this long.  My feet were hurting, my plantar fasciitis that I’d been babying for a week of rest prior to race day was flaring and shooting pain up my heel with every step.  But I kept going because there was no way this race that I’d been dreaming about for years and training for months for was going to beat me.  And then I could see the end and the last stretch of downhill waiting and knew I just needed to make it the last three miles and I could rest.  I had hit a point that I needed to be by myself to struggle on my own and didn’t want my van-mates to see it so I waved them on to the next exchange so Hubby could get ready for his run.  I took some more Powerade from the last water station and settled in for the longest stretch of road I have ever run…

    As I crested the last section of slight uphill with about two miles left to go, I looked up and saw the most beautiful view of the Ogden valley opening up below me.  The sun – which was almost setting to my right – bounced off the green hills surrounding me with surreal light.  And then our song from our wedding started playing on the iPod in my ears which thankfully hadn’t quit on me this time.  I started crying, it hit me so hard.  And I’m not going to lie, I cried those last two miles almost nonstop while people continued to pass me and yell “good job” counting me as the roadkill I felt like.  This was also the point I had officially sweat off all the bug spray because the bugs returned and started sticking to the sweat on my face again.  Bugs are so gross!

    As I came into view of the exchange I tried to pull myself together, still trudging along and telling myself I felt this way because I had just run fifteen miles in the space of twelve hours – FIFTEEN – and that I was amazing for living through it and still be running.  I was able to stop the tears and focus on getting to the exchange point, looking frantically for my Honey who had changed his shirt while I was running.  When he stepped up from the line of runners waiting at the exchange and I finally saw him I lost it again, slapped the baton on him and wished him luck.  As he ran off looking strong I promptly broke down like a baby while my team stepped up to congratulate me.  Luckily my friend Steven offered his shoulder to cry on for a moment while I composed myself.  I’m sure it was awkward for him but I appreciated it so much.  Then I saw my sister, though, and I lost it again.  Thank god she was there for me to hug, cry with and to snap me back to reality.  She told me how amazing it was that I had just done something that no one else she knows could have done, reminded me I HAD done it and it was over, and that I needed to pull myself together.  Just the right combination of bitchy and supportive I needed.  I stretched a tiny bit and jumped into the van because Hubby’s leg was only three miles and we couldn’t let him beat us to the exchange while I had an emotional fit.  I put my big girl panties back on, mixed up my recovery shake and drank it while basking in what I had just accomplished.  The irony that the leg I had most looked forward to during training was the one I hated the most was not lost on me.  And, we were now forty minutes behind our estimated pace times between me and Melissa having to walk parts of the canyon.

    We leap-frogged through the rest of the runners who all now had to wear their reflective gear because we’d entered the official night time running hours:  reflective vest, head lamp and butt light all required. Everyone between me and Jose had their easy legs with short and flat mileage paralleling the highway running through the valley I’d just gotten us into and I envied every single one of them.

    By the time Jose headed out on his final run it was full dark and this was his hardest and longest leg heading up to East Canyon State Park.  A combination of no one paying attention to what time he actually left the exchange, several of us needing to stand in line for the Honey Buckets… again… and him running either faster or slower than his published pace, we lost him.  It was surreal how every single runner from the back looked exactly the same with the exception of being able to tell which version of reflective vest they had – the vest kind or the Y-suspender kind.  We went ahead of where we thought he should be and stopped to wait.  Then panicked after sitting there long enough that we swore he should have passed by already and worrying that he’d already passed that spot while we dallied at the exchange.  So we moved a couple of miles ahead passing what we estimated was the entire section of the runners who had just run past us at the last place and then some hoping to catch up to him.  We did this three more times without ever being able to pick him out and decided we better head to the exchange assuming at this point he would beat us there.

    Except when we got there, he wasn’t there and I got worried.  Yes, he was carrying his own water and he was a strong runner who said he didn’t need anything from us when he headed out but we’d agreed we’d meet him at the halfway mark of his eight mile run to check on him.  And instead we’d lost him among the other runners and ultimately abandoned him.  We settled in at the exchange with Nancy, the first runner from Van Two, and waited in the freezing night air.  And by freezing I mean freezing, literally.  Sub forty degree temps are fabulous to run in, not so fun to stand around in with only a hoodie…

    Finally we heard them announce our team number and saw Jose come down the last stretch and into the illumination of the lights.  Relief!  We wished Nancy and Van Two luck as they were off to run all through the rest of the night and we headed to the car to get warm, apologizing to Jose for losing him as we went.

    We headed out from the exchange all very excited for some much anticipated rest we had ahead of us.  As we read the directions from the race magazine about where we could go and hang out to have indoor sleeping accommodations and showers (for a price, of course) and then realized it would mean a thirty mile backtrack in the morning to get to the exchange which they recommended we get to early, we all decided it would be best to maximize the time we had to sleep and go straight to the real exchange instead of the alternate hang out location.  So, we bee-lined it straight to Oakley to sleep and run again the next morning.


    Ragnar Wasatch Back 2011 – Part 1

    What an amazing weekend… What an endurance test… What an accomplishment…

    WE DID IT!!  Our entire team finished the 191 grueling miles together and had the experience of a lifetime.  I’m still all jumbled up in my thoughts and trying to wrap my mind around how to relay everything that transpired effectively.  How do you explain to people how spending thirty eight hours in a car together, with five other stinky runners, driving slowly across half the state can be fun?  But oh my god was it ever fun!!

    I made a list of things to do differently next time (yes, there’s definitely going to be a next time!)
    1) take a backpack, not your purse, Terra *sheesh*
    2) pack even lighter – I didn’t use half the stuff I brought because my bag was buried in the back the whole time.  Which will also be solved with a backpack to put my essentials in and have handy.
    3) we need a unique lighting option to differentiate OUR runners at night, even in Van 1
    4) we don’t need as much food next time
    5) don’t do three graveyard on-call shifts the week leading up to Ragnar

    The week leading up to the race I was a total stress ball but when it came to actual race day I was relaxed and ready to experience Ragnar.  Thursday was filled with last minute preparations – like getting the house restocked with groceries so my poor kids who were staying home with the nanny for the weekend could eat.  Everyone in my van, “Van One”, met at my house that evening to drive the two hours to Logan where the race started.  We met the one person none of us knew at the hotel when we checked in and headed for the restaurant for dinner.  We picked an Italian place so we could all “carb-load”.  Kind of a joke among runners to eat a big meal the night before when in reality, if you were really carb-loading the correct way, it happens over a couple of weeks and is way intense.  By the time we got done with dinner and back to the hotel to hit the sack it was after eleven o’clock PM.  With our start time of six-thirty the next morning we decided we needed to rendezvous around the coffee pot in the lobby by four-forty five.  Considering I was the first runner, I can’t run on an empty stomach AND I can’t run on a full stomach I had to be up at about  three-forty five to eat my meal replacement, get dressed and repacked and ready to head out.  Yikes, that is NOT a lot of sleep and it was going to bite me in the ass later considering I’d worked the graveyard on-call shift the two nights in a row previous and had gotten very little sleep.

    The weather gods were smiling down on me personally when the morning brought almost freezing temperatures.  It’s no secret that I hate the heat and my favorite temperature to run in is forty.  Being the first runner out of the gate and it being under forty when we headed out from the hotel brought me such joy.  We made our way – after my sister and I reloaded the car while everyone else sipped coffee – to the start where we had to stand in line to check in to get our race bibs…  Then another line to get our safety flags…  Then another line to get our safety briefing done… No wonder they tell you to arrive an hour and a half before your scheduled start time!  Luckily there was a huge merchandise tent that was warm.  I’m sure it was on purpose since it was a superb marketing ploy.

    Then they were calling the runners for the 6:30 start time to line up.  The start was on the Utah State University campus track and then out the stadium from there to wind our way through quaint farming communities and over three mountain passes toward our finish line.  About fifty teams start together so the track was full but not overflowing.  Teams start all day in order to keep the course manageable with the fourteen THOUSAND runners who participated.  I was so nervous and so excited standing there among all the other runners doing the “runner one” spot.  When they said “GO” we all took off and for once I didn’t sprint off the start but stuck to my pace.  Which also meant by the time we came to the first corner to put us out onto the roads of Logan I was well in last place.  The motto is: “further, not faster” and I kept telling myself that it didn’t matter how fast I went just as long as I could go the distance.  Especially since I had the longest total mileage of anyone on the team.  The morning was so beautiful and I had such an amazing run those first seven miles.  My van-mates, led my my sister the best driver on the planet, stopped every couple of miles to make sure I didn’t need anything and to give me more cow bells.  (If you haven’t seen the SNL skit about more cow bells you must google it and watch it!)

    One of the funnest parts of running Ragnar is watching all the crazy vans drive by and seeing how they have been decorated with team names and themes.  I realized that we were in serious need of van decorating since ours had none at that point.  We didn’t want to get up earlier or stay up later to do it and figured we’d have plenty of time during the race.  Not only are the van decorations and sayings painted on the windows entertaining to see, it makes your van more distinguishable among the hundreds that pass by on each leg.  So, note to self: must get at least our team name on the windows after I’m done running.  Luckily we’d tracked down some car markers the night before.

    Only one thing marred that first run and it was a personal annoyance that plagued me the entire race… being road kill.  Some hard core Ragnar runners have started the tradition of counting their kills through the race.  In Ragnar-speak a roadkill is when you pass up another runner.  I’m sure if you’re the one doing the passing and there are very few people to count it is fun and exhilarating.  When you are the slowest runner on that leg and EVERYONE passes you and says “good job” as they run by it feels more demeaning than encouraging.  I was thankful to those who passed by me in silence and stayed out of my head remembering that I was only responsible for running my pace on my legs, not anyone else’s, and we’d still finish on time.  We were in it to Finish, not in it to win it after all.  I ran the seven miles in exactly the time I estimated it would take me for my average 10K pace and felt amazing.  That was the leg I had been most worried about since it included a lot of rolling hills.  I like it flat and downhill, I’m not gonna lie!

    At the end of my run I handed off to my sexy husband who was waiting at the exchange and he headed out on his first leg of six miles.  He killed everyone who had just killed me AND got his picture taken by a photographer for one of the local papers which was featured on their website the next day.  He ran so fast that by the time I’d cooled down and we loaded into the van to leap-frog ahead of him and be ready with water, he’d passed the point he told us he’d want us at.  So, we just kept driving until we found him and pulled over to give him some water.  Not too shabby for a guy who had his ACL replaced two and a half years ago and did very little training for the actual running part of Ragnar.

    We repeated the cool-down-the-incoming-runner-and-leapfrog-ahead-to-support-the-current-runner dance through the other four runners in the van.  It was so interesting to watch how each person’s demeanor would change as they became the runner on deck and would start their own mental preparations.  Some would get quiet, some would get giddy and some just didn’t sweat it but strapped on their bib number and was ready to go.  Steven called himself the grumpy runner because he doesn’t actually love the running part of running.  He retreated into his headphones in search of his zen place and ran very focused, not needing much support from us in the van at all.  Jaclyn we soon found was our secret weapon and could run so fast.  She was almost all done with her first run before we even caught up with her.  Sean had a tough climb up Avon pass but enjoyed it so much he was posing for pictures as we passed him by.  Jose screamed downhill on the other side of the pass and also posed for pictures – road killing along the way.

    We arrived at the first major exchange in Eden about one o’clock PM to find massive amounts of team vans.  A major exchange is where both vans from your team – and every other team – are there together because one van is handing off to the other van.  You can imagine the chaos!  We were parked in some poor farmer’s field who I am personally grateful is someone who supports Ragnar and let us be there.  We split up with half of us heading for the lines to use the Honey Buckets (aka, road construction porta-potty) and the rest searching for Van Two before they headed out to support Nancy as she took the exchange from Jose.  By some miracle we were parked in the same general area as them and saw them as they were heading out.  We passed on the other half of the cowbells, gushed about how much fun we were having and wished them as much luck on their legs.

    With the baton now with Van Two, we had about five hours of down time before we had to be at the next major exchange and ready for our next set of runs.  We hung out there for a bit to see what booths they had and what free food there was, which was not much since they had chips and salsa but had run out of salsa.  The free samples of frozen yogurt were a hit and the jewelry that enticed me turned out to be kind of cheesy and overpriced.  So, we all stood in line for the Honey Buckets – something that became one of the main activities of the weekend as Steven pointed out – and then headed back to the car.  We took the time then to put our team name “Run, Piggies, Run” on the back window of the Excursion and put each runner’s name on the side windows with three check-boxes to mark our progress along the way.  Van decorating complete, we headed for Snow Basin to wait for Van Two to get done and pass the baton back to us.

    *** I’ve decided to publish the race recap in three parts or else it will be ages before anyone hears how it all went!  Stay tuned for the next installment that will cover the second leg of our journey! ***


    Ragnar Recap – Pre Race

    What the hell is Ragnar?  I realized that just because people have been hearing me talk (and blog and tweet and Facebook) about Ragnar for a year that doesn’t mean people know what it is or what I am about to embark on.  In a nutshell, it is a relay race from Logan to Park City, UT: one hundred ninety one miles, run by twelve runners over a forty eight hour period.  The twelve runners are split into two vans and each runner runs three different times.  Each leg of the relay is assigned so if I’m runner one (which I just so happen to be), I run legs one, thirteen and twenty five.  The motto of the race is: Run, Drive, Sleep, Repeat.  The original race of the Ragnar Relay Series is the Wasatch Back here in Utah but they have them all over the country now.  So you know it has to be fun, right?

    It’s amazing to me that Ragnar is actually here.  I started talking about doing a Ragnar Relay years ago.  The first year, I wasn’t ready as a runner to even run the distance of one of the legs but it sounded so fun I said “next year” and vowed to train hard.  Then I got pregnant and missed the next year.  The following year I didn’t think I’d have enough time to recover from childbirth and train for Ragnar in five months so I said “next year” yet again.

    “Next year” arrived last summer – the summer of 2010.  My adorable running fool of a cousin starts talking about Ragnar at the yearly family reunion every summer because she has just finished a few months before. Last year was only different in one way: I was finally capable (and ready and willing) to join in the fun.  So we decided to get a team together.  Between the two of us we were sure we could find ten other runners if each of us focused on filling a van with our fellow running buddies.  Since both of our husbands are also runners, that left only four people for each of us to find and get committed.  Registration is in August so we had a couple of months.

    Early August arrived and I had my runners but she had complications – namely of the conflict variety.  See, she’s done this several years and is a very strong runner having done a full marathon last year.  There was a team at her work and they really wanted her – and they had a lot of money and sponsors which we wouldn’t have which I admit would have been super enticing for me.  She also did not want to be a team captain – adamantly did not want to be the captain.  I assured her I didn’t feel bad that she wanted to join the team at work with all her friends (and sponsors!) and said I’d just get my own team together.

    I should have listened to her vehement objection to being the captain but what did I know then?

    So, I talked to everyone I know and all of their friends and put together a team of twelve committed runners who had paid me their portion of the team registration and even got in before the early registration (aka discount period) was over.  Two days before regular registration even began, our team “Run Piggies Run” had a team number and a spot in the Wasatch Back 2011.  They allow 1050 teams and we were team number 1048.  Yes, you read that correctly.  The race sold out two days before early registration was over.  It got me all excited that we got in and I started planning and thinking about logistics.

    And then the one person who hadn’t paid me but assured me they would backed out and I was already trying to find someone else to take their place.  Luckily, one of my running friend’s team from the previous year didn’t get registered in time so she was available and filled the spot quickly.  That was the beginning of a string of substitutions that resulted in five of the twelve original team members replaced since then.  We had one drop out due to injury, one got a super exciting internship for the summer in D.C., one had a conflict with scouting and one had a sister who got married and had the nerve to schedule her wedding on Ragnar weekend.  Oh, and my friend who ran last year who’s team didn’t get in?  They registered wait list and got in a few weeks ago.  Luckily I have three neighbors I successfully talked into joining the insanity and my good friend Diyeana talked her sister in law and new boss into last minute substitutions.  The craziest part for me is that I have still not even met two of my teammates – one of which will be in my van for a thirty six hour stinkfest.

    Since August I have exercised my project management skills so much that I should have been getting paid to do it.  Twelve adults who live all over the place with crazy schedules were assembled for planning meetings twice and every logistical possibility planned for.  Countless emails were exchanged keeping us all on the same page and preparing all of us for our very first Ragnar (with the exception of one who did Ragnar Vegas last October and who I couldn’t have done it without.)  All this while I was doing all the other insane things I always do AND running twenty miles a week on average for the past twenty weeks.  And all of the planning and training culminates tomorrow as we embark on our Ragnar journey.

    On top of all our team logistics we’ve had record late snowfall in Utah and it was only today, two days before race day, that we got the official word that the roads on the two passes through the mountains had been cleared of snow and would be drivable.  As much stress as I’ve had coordinating my little team of twelve could you imagine having to work out logistics for the entire race?  Think about it – one thousand fifty teams of twelve runners and you’re talking over twelve thousand runners.  Hubby and I drove parts of the course over Memorial Day and if nothing else I’m looking forward to running through some beautiful country.  Thank god we didn’t have to add more mileage to anyone’s runs to go around the mountain passes that were still closed due to snow!

    We leave tomorrow evening to drive the two hours to where the race starts to hopefully get some sleep at a hotel so we can be at the starting line by 5:00AM on Friday morning. I’m the first runner out of the gate at 6:30 AM with a 6.9 mile run.  Approximately twelve hours later, I have my second run of 8.3 miles down one of the canyon passes.  My third run is my “easy” one at just over 4 miles of mostly flat terrain.  My total mileage is twenty miles in thirty six hours.  Still sounds daunting even to me when I add the miles together but I’ve been training hard and I know I can do them split up into the three different runs with no sweat.

    Did you hear me just now sounding all positive and shit?  I hope you bought it because really I’m scared shitless that I’ll have to walk that last four miles or that I’ll get so stiff riding around in the van that I won’t be able to run either of the subsequent runs.  But, I’m not letting myself stress about it because regardless of how it happens I am excited to experience it and have a blast.  I even talked my sister into being our support driver and I’m really looking forward to spending the time with her – although I don’t think she’s quite as excited to endure what can only be termed a sweaty stink-fest.  When one of the top things on any list of what to bring is a towel to sit on “so the stink doesn’t go into the seats” followed closely with the tip to pack your clothes in large Ziploc bags so you can “zip up the stink” you have to expect the worst, right?

    I’m heading off to bed now… wish me luck and watch my tweets for updates along the way.  Of course I’ll recap post-race as well – if I live through it, that is!