Category Archives: Everyday Life

A pause to reset

What’s the best thing when you’re in a funk with a broken give-a-damn?  A ten-day vacation where most of the time you are off the grid and completely unplugged from everyday life.  Hubby and I took the girls to Montana for the Fourth of July holiday.  It was exactly what I needed and started the process of returning to my old new self.  After four days of river rafting, a day of boating and a whole lot of relaxing I was almost back to feeling normal again.

When we got back, I committed myself to training for a half-marathon in the fall.  My thought process is that if I don’t have anything looming that could kill me without training, I won’t force myself to train.  There are a couple in the Sept/October time frame that look like I could do them fun so I counted the weeks between now and then.  (So I’d know the last possible minute I could hold off training and still have enough time.)  The first one is only 10 weeks away.  That is not a lot of time considering most half-marathon training plans are 12 weeks.  YIKES!  So, I started looking at training programs and getting my mind focused on regular running again.  Since I haven’t run a step – unless you count that sprint in the rain from the store to the car – since Ragnar a month ago.

Meanwhile, I have a good friend who recently joined the same gym I go to.  She has a completely different schedule as me so she goes during the day and I’m an evenings and weekend girl – when I have time to go.  We were talking and comparing gym stories.  She’s a group fitness girl, I’m a loner.  She has a favorite class and I love yoga – which is the only group fitness I do – which both occur on Saturday mornings.  That’s the one day a week we could both go.  I told her I’d try out hydro training if she’d go with me to yoga and try it.  Our schedules finally lined up yesterday to allow a 4-hour trip to the gym so we did it.  I got up at 7:00 – that’s AM! – and was at the gym in the pool by  8:00.  Guess what?  I LOVE Hydro Training.  It is basically hard core aerobic circuit training in the pool.  And according to the instructor will never make me have sore muscles because the lactic acid doesn’t have a chance to build up since the movement of the water massages it away.  Amazing.  I have found my favorite cross-training activity!  After class, we warmed up in the hot tub then dried off in the sauna and changed into regular workout clothes for 75 minutes of yoga.  It was heated yoga, which I’ve never done before, and it was the hardest yoga I’ve ever done.  Nor have I ever sweat that much before.  You know it’s a workout when you have a little puddle of sweat on the floor in front of your mat AND you are sliding around in sweat where your feet go.  I should have paid attention to everyone with towels on the top and bottom of their mats…  Three hours of hard-core exercise later, I had magically started to feel back to myself.

Today I have deliciously sore muscles – I’m sure from the yoga – where every movement comes with a twinge of soreness reminding me of all my hard work.  I basked in the glow of that feeling while mapping out my new workout schedule which hopefully will mesh better with Big Sister’s new dance schedule we got yesterday after try-outs.  Four days of running, two days of cross training hydro style and a day of rest.  Only one day will be a bitch to try and fit this all into but even if one run a week doesn’t happen and the rest does I’ll be ready in twelve weeks for another half.  I do believe my give-a-damn is officially fixed!


Root Cause

I can’t keep kidding myself that I’m merely “in a funk” – my give-a-damn is full on broken and for the life of me I couldn’t figure out exactly why.  Until yesterday.

Root cause is a buzz word I’ve heard thrown around the I.T. industry for at least a handful of years – coined by someone who I’m sure copyrighted it and is making tons of money just by my referring to it here in some way.  Basically it means that every problem can be traced back to the very beginning of any chain reaction where you can find the very first thing that happened to set things in motion.  Once you understand the root cause of an issue, you then know how to fix it at the most basic level.  See, fancy name for a pretty simple concept.

I don’t hide that I am a problem-solver with OCD tendencies in every aspect of my life.  Remember, I’m the one who has a spreadsheet to plan Thanksgiving dinner to the Nth degree of minutia.  (Although in my defense my sister’s spreadsheet is even bigger and better than mine…)  So it might surprise you that it took me several months to even put my finger on the fact that I had an issue that needed to be solved.

So what, you ask, is my problem?  I am losing my mind.

There.  I said it.

Here’s a few items of proof illustrating just how bad it is:

  • I say things that come out of my mouth followed by me immediately wondering where the hell the comment came from.
  • I am short (and sometimes borderline mean) to my kids.  I’ve become the mom who yells – and swears – all the time.
  • I have zero patience with Hubby.  Well, everyone, really.
  • I’m a totally raging bitch basically every day.  And I don’t mean bitch in a positive way this time, either.
  • I have zero ambition or drive to push myself in anything – whether it’s writing or running or just getting the dishes done at night.
  • I have constant cravings to eat junk food and find myself standing in front of the pantry without memory of how I got there.  (Luckily I’ve had enough will power to not buy junk so there’s nothing I actually find…)
  • And inside my head where it’s just me, I don’t fundamentally feel like me anymore.

It has all been building slowly over the last couple of months.  The fact that it did sneak up on me slowly probably explains why I didn’t notice it.  This past weekend it came to a head – filled with crazy and ready to burst.  Like the big zit on the neck of the kid sitting in front of you in 9th grade English.  So big you could see it stretching beyond the containment limits so far you were worried it would burst and spurt right at you while you watched and wondered why the kid couldn’t see it himself to take care of the thing.  It was that kind of coming to a head. 

I knew something was super wrong with me when I let an entire weekend slip by – one with an extra day in it for the holiday – and I didn’t go for a single run.  Me, who used to wake up and first thing to pop in my head was planning when I’d get to run that day.  Me, who has a Ragnar to run in less than three weeks.  I let four days slip by without a run and at least two distinct times consciously decided to skip it and “do it tomorrow instead” with no solid plan as to when I’d have time to fit it in.  The thought had even occurred to me that I could be suffering from some sort of depression since it was so unexplainable otherwise. Pretty damn scary especially for this girl who has always had everything under control.  I feel like I can’t cope with day to day life anymore.

I was talking to a handful of women I work with yesterday and the subject of permanent sterilization versus birth control options came up.  Several have or have had IUDs, a couple have taken more permanent sterilization measures either on their own or their husbands.  One just went off all birth control so she could get pregnant again.  And then there were two of us who had just recently switched from an IUD and started back on the good old ‘pill’.  Yours truly fits into this particular category.  (Oopsie, forgot the disclaimer that we were going to be talking uterus and all things related!)  As the other girl currently taking the pill was describing how crazy she has been the last couple of months and why she hates taking the pill because of it,  it hit me like a ton of bricks.  It was like she had been living inside my skull because she had just defined everything about how I’d been feeling but until now had been unable to articulate.

And then everything clicked into place.  With a big shiny spotlight pointed directly at the root cause I hadn’t even consciously been looking for.  (Queue hallelujah chorus.)  I looked back through my blog posts and found that everything suddenly changed in late January – when I’d started on the damn pill.  God I miss my IUD and wish it didn’t cost $900 to replace it… but this isn’t a blog post about the ridiculous cost of healthcare or the pitfalls of having high-deductible insurance coverage so we won’t go there.

Just the knowledge that I know why I feel crazy and helpless and lethargic all the time gives me hope and has me excited to take control of my life back.  First thing first: I MUST find a different form of birth control.  Immediately!  Then, once I feel like myself again mentally, maybe I can finally shed the last ten pounds from my injury-induced weight gain that even though I’ve been running again and eating right won’t budge from my hips and – what do you know – can also be explained by that goddamn pill.

I’m hopeful now and looking forward to getting back to normal…


Myth busting

Ever heard someone say it is so much harder and more time consuming to cook dinner every night?  Or that eating healthy costs so much more money?  Or that wearing special shoes or taking a miracle pill will help you tone your body and lose weight?  Well today I’m putting on my myth-buster hat and tackling all of these.

We’ll start with “it’s so much easier to pick up fast food on your way home from work rather than cook dinner” with a peek into a day of my life.  This particular day was crazier than most.  I headed off to work in the morning leaving Baby Sister with her nanny after scooting Big Sister out the door to walk to school.  (Yes, my kid walks to school – shouldn’t every kid?)  I worked a typical day except that I had to leave a couple of hours early since Big Sister’s dance studio decided once again to conduct business as if none of the dance moms actually work outside the home.  Meaning specifically that she had to be in full hair and make-up and across town by 4:30 for the annual team photo shoot.  Awesome, since I don’t usually get off work until 5:30.

I left the office at 3:00, rushed home while project managing Big Sister’s efforts from the phone in the car, and did the fastest make-up and hair I think I’ve ever done including ringlets.  Big Sister has stick straight and super thick hair – I love that she did not get my curls except for when she wants curly hair and it becomes a chore.  Thank god for my Chi and my ability to use it for creating curls in addition to it’s straightening properties.  Of course Murphy was alive and well since the shirt I’d bought her the night before was too big through the chest when she put it on.  I had to get creative with safety pins because I didn’t have time to whip out the sewing machine to take in the sides. We left the house only ten minutes behind schedule leaving Baby Sister with Daddy and hoping they were correct that the shoot would only take an hour. Pictures were fabulous and we were headed back across town by 5:30 now hoping traffic wasn’t too bad.

This was also the night of our first neighborhood walk-about which we never miss.  During warm weather months, two or three different families host little block party gatherings so that everyone can wander around and mingle with each other, catch up on gossip and meet any new people who have moved in.  It started at 6:30.

Here’s where the myth comes in.  Considering I only had an hour to drive across town, feed my kids dinner and head out to the next activity,  society would say I had to pick up either burgers or a $5 Hot n’ Ready pizza on my way home.  But NO!  Instead I went straight home, browned up some ground turkey, made it into taco meat and served my kids taco’s.  Well, Big Sister prefers to eat her taco fixin’s atop corn chips instead of in the crunchy shells and Baby Sister prefers little individual piles of cheese and meat, etc to eat as finger foods so basically, I ate tacos.  The point is, it took me no more time than it would have to sit in the long ass line I passed at the Wendy’s as I drove by.  Not to mention how much healthier my choice of meals was by comparison.  Plus, now I have an extra pound of taco meat in my fridge to eat left-overs in the next couple of days when I’m in an even tighter pinch for dinner – say tonight when Big Sister has to be at the dance studio by 6:30.

I cook ninety-five percent of the time at home.  It isn’t always quick and easy but it is always better than anything else I could feed my family.  The extra effort this activity requires is actually on the front end when you’re doing your grocery shopping.  I usually have the basics on hand like spaghetti (I make my own amazing and authentic sauce) or homemade macaroni and cheese (that actually uses cheese and milk instead of powdery blobs of orange chemical concoctions you get in the box).  Then I mix things up with a few preplanned meals in mind for the week.  We always have tons of fresh fruit in the house and the crisper drawer is always full of veggies.  With a little creativity I can throw together many a meal just by opening the refrigerator – even if I don’t know exactly what’s for dinner before I walk in the door from work.

It makes me wonder who exactly “they” are that says it is so much easier to buy crap from a fast-food joint and eat out of a bag every night.  Probably the people marketing the crap in a bag from all those different places who only care about their bottom line.  And let’s talk about cost!  I can feed my family of four for an entire week buying the ingredients to cook my own meals on less than what it would cost to eat out just one meal a day for that same week.  This is based on fact since we had way more money left over at the end of the month once we started eating in versus when we were subscribing to the marketing ploys.  This was also before I’d pulled my head out of my ass about things like processed foods and high fructose corn syrup evils. 

With obesity rates in adults and children alike continually rising, I wonder how long before the general population demands better choices in their food that contribute to better health instead of sacrificing long-term health for the convenience of a packaged dinner or fast food slop.  Most of the food we eat isn’t even real food when you look at the ingredient label.  When was the last time you had to list the ingredients on a head of lettuce or a bundle of bananas?  Even more frightening is how many people I talk to who never even glance at the ingredient list of the ‘food’ they consume every day.  When you cook your own meal, using real whole foods you know exactly what you are eating and feeding to your kids.

There was a story in the Washington Post this week about how Sketchers are settling a lawsuit for $40 million.  Turns out they were lying when they said wearing their funny looking shoes would tone your lower body without stepping foot into a gym.  You can’t tone your lower body by wearing a pair of shoes and sitting on your ass all day any easier than you can lose weight and keep it off by eating some fad diet or taking some pill that causes side effects worse than just keeping the extra weight on.  You have to eat real food to nourish your body and burn more calories than you take in every single day.  Period.  There’s no other way around it.  Trust me, I’ve tried it all (minus surgical measures where I drew the line).  When is society as a whole going to wake up and realize that corporations are only after one thing – to make money by selling us crap we don’t need – and start listening to common sense again?

I challenge you – if you aren’t doing it already – try cooking for a week and see how easy it really is.  You don’t even have to have a recipe box that your mom or grandma handed down to you anymore.  All you need is Google – recipes for everything and anything are right at your fingers.  It’s an amazing world out there!  And if you want a quick, easy to read, common sense book on how to incorporate real food back into your diet, I highly recommend “In Defense of Food: An Eater’s Manifesto” by Michael Pollan.  That little book was partly what changed my life years ago and should be required reading for every American – in my humble opinion.


I think I can…

I’ve been in a bit of a funk the past few weeks.  Life interfering with my running has me doubting whether I can even be ready for Ragnar this year.  Being crazy busy with Big Sister’s dance competition season leaves me no time for much of anything past my day job, cooking dinner and trying to stay ahead of Little Sister’s toy bombs before bed.  I’ve had zero energy for staying up late which means I haven’t written in weeks.  Because I haven’t written in weeks I feel like I’ve lost the spark of creativity and the roll I was on a couple of months ago; and the overwhelming thought of what it will take to re-immerse myself has me dragging my feet to start again.

I certainly hope this shit is somehow normal because I rarely find myself in this land called self-doubt. But right now the world is pressing on me with stress and insanity and I have yet to rally myself completely out of it.

Maybe I’m just sad because we are losing Little Sister’s amazing nanny at the end of this week as she embarks on new adventures with her husband – on the other side of the country.  She’s been with us since Little Sister was five months old – two solid years – and has become one of my closest friends and confidants.  Whenever I think of life without her I get all weepy and sad.  I don’t even want to think about the reality of what next week will look like where I don’t see her every morning.  And work from home days without long lunch-time conversations are really going to suck…

But, like the little engine that could from that childhood book I remember having to read to my youngest brother over and over again… I think I can.  I think I can.  I think I can.  I keep telling myself that – even if it is something I actually believe one minute and the next something I’m merely willing to be true.

It’s amazing what a positive attitude can do to turn things around.  Even if it isn’t in profound ways.  After taking a week off of running to address some knee pain issues – caused by lack of cross training to strengthen my quads – I went for what my training program called for yesterday: an EIGHTY MINUTE run.  Twice as long as I’ve done since my injury.  I didn’t think I had it in me but guess what, I did!  The first mile was all uphill and I powered through it.  The middle was fraught with headwind that sucked the speed out of me.  But when it was all said and done I busted out FIVE miles and did the entire run.  Boo-ya!  Just because I’m using a different training program from the last two Ragnars doesn’t mean it isn’t effective.  I just have to keep believing I can stick with it and be ready in two months.

Luckily I have my writer’s group looming toward the end of the month spurring me on to get writing – which I haven’t done since the last meeting.  Instead of wallowing in all that I could have been doing which is in the past and cannot be controlled or changed, I am choosing instead to focus on what I can control: now, the present.  As always, I get my creative juices flowing and build momentum by crafting blog posts.  Step one, check! since here I am!

A conversation I had with an old friend a couple of days ago reminded me that even if I don’t make cookies from scratch, even buying the package you add butter and an egg to and making a dozen cookies ‘hot from the oven’ is enough for my kids and won’t overstress me.  All I remember from making cookies from my own childhood is how messy the kitchen was and that I always got stuck doing the dishes afterward.  This way, my kids only get the joy of warm cookies without all the extra fuss and I’ll still be a great Mom in their memories.

Maybe I should write what I know – who’s interested in a story of an overachiever fighting to be super woman and perfect in every aspect of her life?  Because I could totally write that shit with my eyes closed and two hands tied behind my back!  Too bad inner conflict isn’t enough to build a solid plot.  Guess I’ll stick with living that story and finishing the one I’m writing instead!

Here’s to getting and maintaining momentum – may we all be successful at it at least today.


Wait, it’s not November!

What the hell is wrong with me?  I go back and read my own posts circa November and I see how determined and motivated I was to write.  And how I vowed to keep it up until I was done with my rough draft.  Fast forward to present and what have I been doing for the last two months since my last writer’s group meeting had me motivated to polish three chapters of my NaNo writing for submission?  Nada.  Zilch.  Nothin’.  Well, not really – the last two days I finally got off my lazy ass and started my late night writing sessions again and have a whole chapter to show for it.

Yes, I might be PMS’ing… why do you ask?

Every once in a while I get down on myself like this and rant and rave to Hubby who calmly reminds me about all the things that I do in addition to writing.  Like a forty-hour a week job, twenty-hours a week of being on-call after hours, our two kids I’m basically raising by myself while he works in the evenings, training for another Ragnar in June, etc, etc.  And that most of the people I’m comparing myself to don’t have jobs other than being Moms.  I get this and I understand that I’m being hard on myself but that doesn’t stop me from going to this place when I feel overwhelmed by trying to drive myself to accomplish everything I want out of life.  Being an overachiever has its costs – don’t let anyone tell you any different.

Thank god for my writer’s group who have agreed collectively to hold ourselves to producing writing this year.  They and are keeping me honest by demanding new material to read and critique every couple of months.  If it weren’t for them, “tomorrow” would always be when I was planning on writing and I wouldn’t have that shiny new chapter of “showing” in place of the three sentences of “telling” that was there before.

This post is also driven by the fact that I got to hang out with some old friends who we haven’t seen in about five years this past weekend.  One of the women, who I’ve always looked up to and admired, shyly tells me that she’s been writing fan fiction and got so obsessed with writing that she’s also written a novel.  IN. THREE. MONTHS.  I wanted to shout ‘Are you fucking kidding me?!’ at her and throw my napkin down in a fit of anger then stomp off to anywhere else to wallow in the fact that it’s taken me years and I don’t have a single completed draft to show for it.  Instead I told her how amazing that was and gushed about how I couldn’t wait to read it because that’s what you do when other people do the things that you want to do and haven’t yet.  There is a silver lining.  I found out that one of our mutual friends is an editor so when I have a completed manuscript I know where to go for the next step and it will be someone I trust. Plus my competitive nature has kicked into full gear which helps drive my late night writing sessions as well now.

If you need me, I’ll be brewing pots of coffee and depriving myself of sleep in pursuit of this crazy dream!


Ahhhhh, bliss

This week of happiness brought to you by the generosity of my best and only sister.  She bought a treadmill a couple of years ago, used it for a while and decided she hated to run and even if she liked it couldn’t do it on a boring treadmill.  It’s been in her basement doing nothing.  Now it is in mine getting run on daily since its arrival.

It is my new best friend.

Of course like all friends it has it’s flaws.  It doesn’t go downhill like the ones at the gym that I’m only able to frequent one day a week – if I’m lucky.  But let’s be honest that will make me a better runner in the long run.  (ha ha, pun intended!)  I’m still building up my endurance from my injury and I can’t lie – it is frustrating as hell not to be able to just run for hours like I could last year.  But, I can see improvement each time thanks to my heart rate monitor and I know it will come eventually.

This weekend was heaven. I ran while Baby Sister was napping and Hubby had taken Big Sister swimming.  Couldn’t have done that before.  I ran while Hubby had gone to the gym after the kids went to bed.  Couldn’t have done that before.  And I have the option to get up early and run before work now.  To do that before, I’d have had to leave the kids alone in the house, sleeping in their beds, since Hubby is at work at that time of morning.  AWESOME!

I slept better than I have in weeks.  I am less stressed because I can run all my stress away daily.  I’m almost back to myself.  And best of all, I am no longer worried about how I’ll survive Ragnar in sixteen weeks because I wasn’t able to train.  Now, I’ll be a training machine like a good little honey-badger should be.

This one little tweak made all the difference in restoring balance to my life.  No longer do I have to stress at work about how I’ll find time to work out.  If I can, I’ll lift weights.  If I can’t, I just won’t.  And either way my training won’t suffer.  My healthy and committed mojo is back.  Turns out it was life that had stolen it in the first place and I just wrestled it back.  Go, me!  Now maybe I’ll quit feeling sorry for myself and watching TV at night instead of writing and get my first draft finished in the near future…  Imagine writing every night fueled by the endorphins of an amazing run.  I sure can!

By the way, thanks for sticking with me through the whining and bitching times… I can be such a pain when I can’t run!


Reinventing myself because life stole my mojo

I’m not entirely sure who swooped in and stole my mojo but I really wish they would return it.  I keep making plans to work out and get back on track with my training for Ragnar now that I can run again.  And day after day life gets in the way and I find myself drained and ready for bed without having lifted a single weight or run a single step. Each day ending with a vow to make it happen tomorrow.

I stepped back earlier this week and tried to take the reigns again by scheduling in my workouts physically on my calendar.  Two workouts with weights happen at 9:30 PM each week after the kids go to bed; running twice during the week at the end of the workday assuming I can actually leave my office on time and run before Hubby has to go to work; a trip to the gym every Friday night; and a long run every Sunday.  I felt so much more in control after I put my “me” time in place.  And then I promptly missed every single workout since then.  I was too exhausted both nights that I was supposed to lift weights in the basement after the kids went to bed and instead went to bed myself.  My run on the workdays both got cancelled due to issues that cropped up at work that had me there late with no time to run.  Long gone are the days where I could keep up with my workload AND spend an hour in the fitness center every afternoon.  I didn’t run last Sunday because my foot hurt after having run seven miles during the week and I was scared shitless I was going to reinjury myself and wouldn’t be able to train at all.

So yeah, I’m seriously a mess.  Plus I’m giving in to my sweet tooth and eating crap that isn’t good for me because its all a viscious cycle.  If I’m eating great and working out I feel amazing and then I don’t even want anything that isn’t good for me.  But now I am back to feeling crappy because I haven’t figured out a way to squeeze everything into every day again which means I turn to food for comfort more often than I should.  I need to pull my head out of my ass is what I need to do.

I ran this morning – the first in a week and a day later than scheduled – and it felt great.  I can see progress on regaining my stamina and endurance even though I’m nowhere near where I was prior to my injury.  Maybe that’s also because I am running hills in an effort not to die on Ragnar this year?  Yesterday I ate better and I feel like I might be taking the reins back.  I still don’t have all my mojo but maybe if I take it one day at a time it will magically reappear.

I added streaks of red to my hair hoping to fool life into believing I’m someone else and letting up for a bit.  We’ll see how much that works.  Meanwhile, I’ll take every day as it comes and strive for progress rather than perfection where it comes to eating and training.  That and hope my sister really will let me store her treadmill in my basement instead of hers where I could use it whenever I could squeeze in a few minutes of running.


A week of milestones

Last week was crazy and looking back on it I realized it was full of milestones for every facet of my life.  I should have something quirky to say right here to peak your interest and hope you’ll take time out of your life to read about mine but I’m too tired to try that hard right now. Oh, and I turned forty.  FOUR. OH.  Like oh shit you’re old now.  So forgive me?

Is it me or were those who told me that everything changes overnight when you hit forty right?  
We had already celebrated officially since Hubby also hit this milestone last month so we picked a day in the middle and had our good friend cater a fabulous meal for us and our closest friends.  It was amazing – both the company and the evening.  And so when the official day of my birth arrived, it seemed kind of anti climactic.  I got to do exactly what I wanted to do all day which included a whole lot of sitting around without guilt and getting caught up on movies.  Oh, and a trip to the running store WITHOUT KIDS.  It was a decadent hour of my life that I will cherish since it happens rarely. A couple of days later I was at the doctor’s for my annual checkup and since it’s the first of the year I had to fill out yet another new page of demographic and insurance information “for their files” and paused just slightly when it came to that blank next to “Age:”  How brutal to have to write that number before I’d even had time to process it let alone embrace it.

I quickly got over this insane milestone that, when I was young, I heralded as the beginning of old age.  After all, I don’t look forty and I sure as hell don’t act forty.  Plus I’m in better shape physically and mentally than I ever was at thirty.  Besides, I didn’t have time to wallow since Baby Sister turned two under a week later.  

Apparently I suspected subconsciously that “they” were right about the mind being the first to go.  Because I had individually told everyone on the guest list in my head to save the date for the birthday party for Baby Sister in the weeks before my birthday.  Lucky for me since I remembered to send out an actual invite (via email) with details three days before the party and stressed that no one would show up because I didn’t remember having invited everyone already.  Seriously, totally off my game!

Lucky for us, too, we learned the right lessons with Big Sister.  Like the one that says “until your kid is old enough to remember the birthday party you shouldn’t go overboard on it”.  We kept it low key with dinner for our immediate family.  The three or four people Baby Sister sees on a regular basis and who comprise her world came later for ice cream and cake.  It was perfect – well, except for that page I got at the end of the evening since I couldn’t get out of my on-call shift.  The next day on her official birthday she got her ears pierced.  She’s officially a big girl and I’m sad to lose my baby forever.

Another milestone in the last week involved work.  I’m busier than I’ve been in years.  Literally.  The entire week I didn’t leave the office until after 5:30.  I’ve been thrown on a new project – which I love – but not only do I have to come up to speed in the middle they are in the throws of major conversions so there’s not a lot of leeway for me to learn everything before I am required to perform new duties.  Gives new meaning to “sink or swim” that I hear all the time but never experienced before.  Plus, I’ve been assigned as the primary trainer for two new hires which carves out two hours of every day devoted to sitting in a conference room talking theory and principles and not doing any real work of my own.  Oh, and did I mention the slacker on my team who is supposed to take my pager shifts and hasn’t been?  It all has turned into a perfect storm of high-stress and no time to run at work which makes Terra a very bitchy woman.  
And then Friday – on top of everything else – my laptop decided to die.  It may or may not have been a result of someone trying to help fix the issues I was having and making it worse.  Now I could connect to the network in the conference room for training but not anywhere else in the building.  Makes it really hard to work that way.  In all fairness the hunk of outdated hardware had been on its last leg for months but this timing sucked.  I ended up losing a full day and a half of productivity.  Friday ended with me skipping my planned trip to the gym and coming home to yell at the kids, pour a very large adult beverage and plop on the couch for the evening to drink it and decompress.  I needed it so much I didn’t feel more than a twinge of guilt for not running.  I was emotionally and physically drained and it would have been a shitty run anyway.

I am still struggling to get back to running shape for proper Ragnar training which started officially today.  I did three miles but the last two thirds were all walk/run fartleks where I pushed myself harder than I normally would have for a training run.  Hoping it pays off next time I go out and my heart and lungs are in better shape.

Last week also marked a milestone in my writing.  I submitted the first three chapters of my rough draft from NaNoWriMo to my writer’s group for critique.  It’s been years since I had any work I thought worthy of being seen by others.  Two NaNos had come and gone and my beloved writer’s group hadn’t gotten to see the fruits of my labors or their encouragement.  I was so stressed between hitting send on the email and getting feedback at our meeting.  But it turns out they liked what I’d written and wanted more.  Plus they gave me some great feedback on ways to tighten things up.  Considering it was a true rough draft from NaNo land of “write first, ask questions later” I was happy and encouraged.  They make me feel like a real writer.

So here’s to life which marches on and delivers milestones in the weirdest places sometimes.  Do you ever have weeks where everything happens all at once in every area of your life or is it just me? 

This week’s lesson on balance

It’s the holidays and like what I hope are the rest of the women/wife/mothers out there, I start planning and spread-sheeting and making lists around Thanksgiving (okay, post NaNo!) and spend the three weeks before Christmas jockeying for the right gift for everyone on my list.  Hubby admits to never having a good idea for a gift and happily sits back and lets me handle everything.  I used to feel a tiny bit bad about this like I was taking too much of my own control in this piece of our marriage.  But lately I wonder if he’s actually not the smarter of the two of us having now manipulated himself out of all responsibility for gift giving and letting me have all the stress.  Hmm. I hope it was only coincidental on his part and he’s merely reaping the coincidental rewards.

Big Sister’s best friend on the planet and her family moved into the house on the corner last month.  After three years of living far enough away that to see each other outside of school hours required coordinating a play date with their parents, the girls are ecstatic to be able to walk across the street any time they want to see each other.  It has added a new dynamic to parenting – since she now wants to do nothing but play all day and all weekend.  She even told me that she wanted to quit dancing so she had more time with her BFF (Best Friend Forever).  The other day when I’d had enough of her room looking like a tornado had blown through and yelling constantly about how she either needed to do X or she was grounded from seeing BFF, I took a step back and had a conversation with her about how she thought things were going.  As if on queue, she asked me how she is supposed to do her homework and go to dance and do her chores and still see BFF every day.  I told her it is all about finding balance between the things you have to do and the things you want to do so you can do both.  Do you think it’s easy for me to be Mommy to you and Baby Sister, and be Daddy’s wife, and run the household and go to work every day and be a good employee and still have time to run and write and read and all the things I WANT to do?  Nope, it’s hard and it sucks some days but by finding ways to be better and faster and more effective at the things that I have to do, and sometimes giving up things I don’t care as much about as others, it gives me more time to do the things I want to do.  The conversation that began with her in tears throwing her hands in the air in frustration ended with a pretty grown-up kind of discussion which I hope lays the groundwork for a very valuable lesson she’ll have to remember the rest of her life.  Maybe this will be one of those things that she’ll remember for the positive column when she’s in therapy as an adult?

On the heels of this conversation, the stars aligned as they rarely do resulting in a day all about me.  I had neglected scheduling a hair appointment too long and had some seriously embarrassing regrowth going on.  My sister was in the same boat so we decided to schedule together so we could hang out for a few hours.  The stylist could get us in before Christmas (a miracle in itself) but only for an afternoon appointment.  I checked my calendar and didn’t have anything scheduled that day at work and decided it was meant to be.  While I was at it, I’d take the entire day off.  I haven’t had one of those with the exception of the time off required to do my two Ragnars since last spring so I was due!  Since I had the whole day off, I called to see if I could get in to see the massage therapist my sister has been demanding I go see to fix my plantar fasciitis issue.  I called, she answered, and had an appointment open the same morning.  What are the odds?  While inputting the massage appointment in my calendar I realized I had a girls’ night dinner planned that night from weeks ago and had already lined up a babysitter.  Seriously!  A decadent day of activities for me and only me.  I came home from girls night that night refreshed and recharged.  Dinner lasted an hour longer than normal because one of the group was running late and we decided to wait to order.  We got to chat in depth enough to realize we were all going through the same things as everyone else and buoying each other up like only girlfriends can.  If only I could have squeezed a run in it would have been the perfect day.

Here’s where I tell you about how I haven’t been running and where I admit that my “injury” had become a full blown injury (without the quotation marks) sidelining me from my favorite pastime.  I can’t ignore it anymore when I go for a little baby mile run and can barely walk for days afterward; where it is so bad that even if I haven’t run in a couple of days and go to a friend’s house with the “no shoe” rule and spend three hours barefoot I’m in agony when I leave; where the only shoes I wear are my running shoes for the support to stave off the pain and I wear them every minute I’m awake every day.  The worst part is that because I really haven’t been able to run more than three or four miles a week since the Vegas Ragnar, I put on TEN POUNDS without even realizing it.  Until one day I put my jeans on and they were uncomfortably snug.  Of course then I was so depressed about the ten pounds I put on five more from emotional eating.  *sigh*

The good news is that running is just over the horizon for me.  I put my big girl panties on and did something about it.  I spent an hour with my sister’s amazing massage therapist who touched nothing but my lower leg.  I walked yesterday for forty five minutes as directed and still had zero pain when I woke up this morning.  Which means today I get to go for a little jog and see how it goes.  If I have no pain, I’m cleared to resume my normal running.  If it still hurts, I have to go see her again.  I’m tingling with both anticipation and dread at how it will go.  I want to be able to run so bad and I’m so scared it isn’t going to be that easy.  But until I try I’m just sitting here with my ass growing larger by the hour – or so it feels.

Wish me luck!  And here’s to you – may you have a happy holiday season while maintaining balance in your own life.  Remember that if you don’t take care of you, there isn’t enough of you to take care of everyone else…


Life is a whirlwind… hold on tight!

I’m forcing myself to take a break from the whirlwind of life I’m currently caught up in.  I didn’t realize the 30-day blog challenge would result in me missing writing here every day but it did and I feel like I’ve abandoned my poor blog.  You know what they say, it only takes twenty one days to create a habit and clearly I’ve developed the habit of writing every day.  Success!

Last week was a frenzy of planning and execution to celebrate Big Sister turning ten years old.  We had three days of celebration in a row between our little family, her friend party and extended family party.  We survived and I didn’t have much time to get hung up on how fast the last decade has flown by.  Seriously, I have a ten year old?

Immediately I was thrust into planning mode for the next big thing happening just days later…

Tomorrow Hubby and I leave for Las Vegas to run our second Ragnar Relay of this year.  I know I have been running all summer but at the same time I fear I haven’t trained enough.  I guess we’ll see on Friday and Saturday how well I’m prepared this time around.  The first time I did everything by the book and by the numbers – meaning I followed the twenty week training program faithfully.  Was it beginners nervousness or my stressing about having to run twenty plus miles in two days that motivated me?  Could have been a little bit of both.  Now, I’m a seasoned Ragnar alumni who knows what to expect, have WAY easier runs on tap AND get to run mostly downhill – for real, this time – AND at half the elevation than I normally train in.  So, I’m less stressed and haven’t been running the kinds of mileage I probably should have been since my longest run is *only* six miles.  The classification of each of my runs are moderate, easy and moderate – compared to hard, very hard and hard last time.  Either I’m a genius not to have been stressing all summer or I’ve set myself up for failure like an idiot.  Honestly I fear it could go either way.  I’m looking forward to a van full of people I know well and love and seeing a side of Vegas I’ve never seen before.  Regardless of how I run, I know it will be a blast.  Hubby and I are viewing it as a four-day mini vacation with a little bit of running thrown in and are looking forward to spending some quality time together while our girls spend a party weekend with their fabulous nanny.

When we return, I’ll again only have two or three days to prepare for the next big thing:  Halloween – my favorite day of the year.  We have a neighborhood party with the kids, an adults-only party, a family party AND the school festivities all on tap BEFORE the actual trick-or-treating.  I’m still sad I am not going to be running the Halloween Half with several of my friends and loved ones but there’s always next year.  When I look at how crazy the last half of October is it is probably for the best that I threw in the towel on squeezing a half marathon into the mix.

And there will be no rest before the next big thing:

The day after Halloween, I’m embarking on my fourth National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) where I will *finally* emerge at the end of November with not only a win but a completed first draft of a novel.  Technically I’m still working on the same novel I started back in 2008 but the only thing the same about it has been the title and basic premise.  Now I have a plot structure outline, a synopsis, character studies, etc. and will hit the ground running on November 1st.  I’m so much more hopeful this time around than any of the previous attempts I’ve made to write this damn novel.  My intention is to blog along the way so you all can see the process but I’m not promising it will happen more than sporadically.  I’ll be writing a novel – fifty thousand words – in thirty days after all!

 
This glimpse into my life, which lately has been even more frantic than usual, has been brought to you by Folgers coffee – the only thing really keeping me going and awake most days.  Ironically, the thing I should have been doing the most this week in preparation for Ragnar is resting and getting lots of good sleep and I’m quite certain I’ll be exhausted when we hit the road in the morning.  At least I can sleep in a moving car without getting sick…

So, is it just me or has life been on a fast track lately for anyone else?


Layers of the toolbox

I love roller coasters!  Unfortunately, Hubby has had too many concussions in his risk-taking and active life which has left me with no one to enjoy them with for too many years to count.  Hopefully one of my girls will take up the position he vacated and that it won’t be Baby Sister because I sure as hell can’t wait that long!  The last couple of weeks have been a roller-coaster of a different kind for me and here I am to regale you with the telling!

Remember the last time I checked in I was stuck on the outline for my novel.  I gave a synopsis to a couple of people who came up with some very interesting “what would happen if they did this” kinds of brainstorming ideas.  It got me out of the block I’d been in and had me excited again, although for directions I wasn’t quite sure would work with what I had originally envisioned for my story.  (Thank you, by the way… you know who you are!)

Then, I submitted my *incomplete* outline to my writer’s group as my submission for our upcoming meeting.  This action itself was something I would not normally do but if you want different results than you have had, you have to take different actions.  Instead of wallowing and feeling inadequate because I hadn’t finished my outline in time to submit it for critique (the deadline I’d given myself), I gave them what I had up to that point, admitted I was stuck and asked for a high-level brainstorming (instead of planned outline critique) when we met.

As is the case with every meeting of my amazing writing group, I learned something new that night.  And that something new is: (drum roll) I don’t know enough about story structure to outline properly.  Just when you think you have trained enough and mastered all the tools in the writing toolbox (point of view, passive vs active voice, dialogue, showing vs. telling, etc.) someone comes along and shows you there’s an entirely new layer deeper in the toolbox that you still need to master.

I’ll admit I walked away from that meeting feeling more than a little dejected.  Here I had put in all this hard work and I was READY for race day… only to find out that the race is not a mere 5K or even a half marathon; this sucker is more like a full marathon or an ultra.  And I haven’t trained enough yet! *sigh*  After a couple of days of thinking things like “maybe I should just start a different, easier story” or “maybe I don’t have the energy or the time to write a novel after all” and other such bullshit, I slapped myself and laced up my running shoes for more proverbial training runs.  The past week my writing hours have consisted of listening to podcasts and reading articles on all things writing, googling youtube videos on different types of story structure, and brainstorming ways of simplifying my story idea back down to an urban fantasy instead of the behemoth epic it had morphed into – in addition to trying to figure out how it ends!  My fellow writers are amazing women and in the past week have given me encouragement, talked me off the ledge, sent me suggestions about which podcast and other resources to check out, and reminded me that regardless of anything else I know this story and I’m invested in it – all the things that make them great writing buddies as well as friends.  (Thanks guys – you already know you’ll be in the acknowledgments of my first published novel but I didn’t want you to have to wait that long!)

I know all the training and hard work will pay off … I just hope there isn’t yet another hidden layer below this one in the writing toolbox that I have yet to discover because quite honestly that just might kill me!  And, I keep reminding myself, it’s better to learn it now than go through rejection after rejection because I finished a novel before I mastered the art of novel writing.  My advice for the week: KEEP WRITING – no matter what!


Screw that, I’ve got feathers in my hair!

Okay, I’m officially done with my little meltdown.  Seriously, last week had me on the edge more times than I’ve been in… well, I don’t ever remember being that close that often before.  I’m always a little psychotic around a new moon but this one was a doozie and will go down in the history books, I’m afraid.  I’ll look back years from now and say “wow, remember the new moon of May 2011?  What a killer!”  I have now effectively slapped myself back to kickin’ ass and takin’ names mode and am ready to tackle the mountain of laundry I’ve let pile up and get back to writing, which I’ve been slacking on.

Speaking of writing…My writer’s group IS AMAZING and helped immensely getting me out of the slump.  We met last week which was fabulous as always.  I got to play with character development through dialogue which I didn’t realize I could do until I tried.  And, we ended the evening with a brainstorm session on my novel.  I came away with lots of the fuzzy ideas I’ve had swarming around in my head a bit more solidified AND on paper.  But, it also resulted in many a daunting realization for me.  Like am I really changing the name of my female main character?  (If you have any powerful sounding female names, please share them since she can no longer have the same name as Baby Sister!)  And am I really thinking of putting a religious aspect into my book?  (Yes, ME, the non-religious girl with religion in her book!)  And is my male main character going to fundamentally have to change everything he’s been doing in the beginning of the story?  I know all three of these things mean a much more challenging story to write but I’m excited about the possibilities and the depth they will bring to my little baby.  I can’t wait to be able to carve out consistent time again to write.  Which I will do once the insanity that is Ragnar is over in just over a week.  I’ve come to accept that there is no way to do both Ragnar training AND writing at the same time and I just have to be okay with not doing everything all the time when I bite off this much to chew on.

Sigh.  Sometimes being an overachiever really bites.

With that said, my running lately has been a joke and I’m worried that I should be more stressed about it.  I haven’t run more than four or five miles in weeks because of time constraints with the hubby’s new schedule cutting into my gym time.  And, since I’m being honest, I haven’t even been that motivated to push myself to the level of training I know I need to be at in order to be successful on this race.  Like Sunday night I totally could have done a second run in the evening but I just didn’t want to get off the couch.  And I didn’t.  If I’m rationalizing, which I’ve been doing a lot of the last couple of weeks, it’s because I’ve been suffering with a flare up of my old nemesis running injury, plantar fasciitis, and I don’t want to push myself hard and then not be able to even run on race weekend.  Then there’s the run I tried in the eighty two degree heat of a June Sunday in Utah that sapped my energy so much that I couldn’t even run more than thirty minutes before I thought I’d die – LITERALLY.  Have I mentioned how much I loathe heat?  I long for the cool temperatures of fall already and it isn’t even full-blown summer yet.  I’m probably the only person I know who trains outdoors all winter and opts for the treadmill in the summer.  But I digress…

Today I got some good news coupled with a dose of reality.  I stumbled across an article talking about the need for rest and how some runners have a tendency to overlook it.  Turns out that being stressed and tired and all the things I’ve been suffering the last few weeks takes a toll on a runner’s performance and the only cure is to take some time to rest so your body has time to recover.  So, the new plan is to not stress about how much training I’m going to get, or not get, in the next week.  Seriously, I’ve been training hard core for 18 weeks and it’s time to start tapering off so I am rested and ready for race day.  I’ll go for a few light runs between now and then but not push myself.  I know that I am indeed capable of running morning and night and the next morning – because I’ve done it already – and that I can run the distances I have on tap for each of my legs of the relay – seven miles, eight miles and four miles respectively.  It feels good being back in the mind frame of “I’m ready” instead of the stressed out “OMG I’M NOT GOING TO BE READY” I’ve been feeling.  On the way home from work today I saw a bumper sticker that said “FURTHER… NOT FASTER” and I laughed right out loud because it was clearly on the back of that Jeep just for me to see and be reminded that for me it isn’t about speed but endurance.  I need to turn off the pace calculator on the old Garmin and things might be a bit less stressful for myself.  When did I become so obsessed with being competitive anyway?

I also had an epiphany the other day when the date of my first race of the running season came and went and I didn’t even register or pretend to care that I was missing it. Once Ragnar is over, I’m going to go back to running for the joy of running and not care about a race until the half marathon in October.  By then it will be cooler temperatures and I can train hard for a few months and be happy.  After the insanity of Ragnar training it will be nice to take a break, enjoy running again, and have time to write.

To go along with my new outlook, I indulged a whim and got feather extensions in my hair at the gym last weekend with Big Sister.  It’s fabulous and sassy and represents everything I’m feeling now where nothing is going to get me!  So, the only question is, did the feathers come because of the new outlook or did my outlook change because I got feathers in my hair?  At this point, I’m so glad to be out from under the dark cloud of ick that I don’t care how it happened, I’m just glad it did!  Here’s to the downhill fun of this roller coaster I call life!


Rolling with the punches

Ever have one of those kind of weeks where at the end of it you have nothing clean to wear and your to-do list has grown rather than shrunk even though you were so busy you are sleep deprived?  No?  If you haven’t let me share what you are missing out on!

Mine started on Wednesday as I drove home from the gym on a night I am usually driving the dance taxi for Big Sister blissfully enjoying our week of Spring Break from both dance and school.  I’d just done a killer uphill run and felt amazing with both girls in the car headed for home and bed.  And then my phone rang the sexy ringtone for Hubby who was calling with week-changing news.  His Dad, who lives hundreds of miles away, is delivering trailers all over the country to satisfy his gypsy blood without having to sacrifice his homestead or retirement and would be arriving at our place in about twelve hours on his way to Oregon.  Awesome!  We rarely get to see him… wait, what did you say?  “I’m going with him” is what he had said.  Those four little words almost destroyed my sanity and did destroy everything that resembled a schedule for the rest of the weekend.

Hubby’s been working the grave shift this month which means I’ve gotten to see him for about fifteen minutes each morning and each evening for three to four days a week as we cross one another on our way to and from work.  Just the thought of getting to see him and have a two-parent household in the evenings for the rest of the week was the only thing keeping me together at that point of the week.  And now he’s leaving in the morning with no notice?  I immediately went into psycho troubleshooting mode which came across as me being a total bitch about this amazing opportunity for him to get to spend a few days on the road with just him and his dad.  Strike one for me.

After salvaging that mis-communication and getting us both into troubleshooting mode, it became even more apparent how this was going to play out for me…. Thursday I had to work, and it was book club night, and Friday I had to work – which is the day Hubby never works so we don’t have daycare, and Friday is the day I am supposed to run not once but twice as part of my Ragnar training, and it is Easter weekend…  and now you can imagine the extent of the chaos that ensued with no Hubby to help out.

Luckily my Mom is retired and loves spending time with my girls.  I feel like I use and abuse her sometimes because I know she is always available at the drop of the hat when I need her.  She was willing to extend her normal babysitting hours with the girls on Thursday to all day with a small break to go to dinner with my Dad and then come back to watch the girls until all hours of the night while I went to book club.  And our amazing nanny rearranged her schedule – two weeks before her own wedding – to spend all day with the girls on Friday so I could work. 

At that point, however, all good things planned like a nazi and executed on schedule came to a grinding halt.  Friday I got up at the ass-crack of dawn to run my first run before work with plans to rush home and rush to the gym for the second run before the daycare center at the gym closes early on Friday.  That of course didn’t happen because let’s face it, trying to put a 15-month old on that tight of schedule was never going to work.  My morning run sucked – apparently I have no stamina at zero dark thirty when normal people are sleeping.  Go figure.  After work, I got a rare twenty minutes of just chatting with my nanny about wedding plans that I took advantage of which put us behind schedule.  Still salvageable until my mom called with an invite to dinner which turned into “why don’t you take the girls and then I won’t be rushed at the gym” which took me out of rush mode.  Except then she called back saying “just kidding, I didn’t know Dad had other plans”.  At that point I no longer had time to get to the gym and get a run of any distance in before the kid’s center closed for the evening so why bother.

Have I expressed yet how much I HATE that the kid’s center closes early on Friday night?  Don’t dictate to me when I should be spending time outside the gym with my kids!

We spent Friday night instead shopping for new clothes for Big Sister to wear for Easter and shoes for the nanny’s wedding to match the flower girl dresses, and crap for the Easter baskets.  I guess the one good thing about Big Sister having figured out the truth behind Santa and subsequently the Easter Bunny is that – combined with Little Sister being too young to understand or remember much – I got to shop for stuff for their baskets with both of them in tow – something I wouldn’t have been able to do without Hubby home that night otherwise.

The rest of the weekend rolled smoothly through and I even enlisted Big Sister to babysit for an hour while I did my missed run from Friday night on Saturday while Little Sister had her nap.  Hubby and his Dad drove sixteen hundred miles and arrived back home mid-day Saturday to sleep for about eight hours straight.  Enough for them to be well-rested and ready for dinner out followed by Easter festivities on Sunday.

Even with the second weekend in a row of doing no laundry, and no grocery shopping, I still survived the week with my sanity mostly in check thanks to the efforts of others and their willingness to step in and roll with the punches with me. Now it is time to get back to normal day to day activities which is still no easy task for this busy girl on the best of days. If you need me this week, I’ll be digging myself out of piles of dirty laundry and hoping to discover hidden snippets of time to work on my damn novel… if I’m lucky!  Know what I didn’t even miss once?  Facebook!