Category Archives: Everyday Life

Spring has sprung… and I’m all over the place

It’s the first official day of spring today!  Which is not such a happy time for me since now I get to suffer with seasonal allergies… you’ll forgive me if I’m not overjoyed with the rest of the world to be leaving winter behind.  I added the allergy pill this weekend to the morning handful of supplements I’m taking now thanks to my nutritionist.  I don’t really have anything to bitch about today so instead I’ll regale you with what’s been happening in my crazy day to day life.

First, the nutritionist…  What a lovely and totally-worth-the-price addition to my life!  Turns out when I started actually tracking what I’m eating I was only giving my body about 800 calories a day.  That on top of working out all the time is NOT a good way to lose weight.  After a week of properly fueling my body for basic living as well as all the exercise, I not only feel better but I’ve started to see the number on the scale inching down.  No, lovely doesn’t begin to describe it – it’s fucking amazing!  Knowledge is power, people.  Remember that!

Next, running…  It’s no secret I’m in full swing of my intense training routine for my upcoming relay race.  The organizers put together two training programs and I figured they should know better than I what kinds of things I need to prepare for so I’m following them.  The first is for a beginner who “hasn’t been doing any running”.  Well, that doesn’t apply to me and good thing since it has running in MINUTE increments.  I’m used to MILE increments.  The other one, “for the runner who is already running an average of 10-20 miles a week”, was more my speed so I picked that one.  Well apparently if you slack for a week and then try to pick up where you are supposed to be, it results in strained knees.  After my disastrous attempted run last week I rested up and bitched a lot about why I was semi-injured this week.  Because I’m a data and gadget geek, I could go back to my logged data and see that I had actually doubled my mileage the week before with the warmer weather allowing me to run outdoors in the evenings instead of at work in my measly hour I’m allowed to squeeze out of my workday.  Oopsie!  Happily, I only needed to rest a bit and I felt amazing on my outdoor run yesterday.  Back on track and paying attention now.  Must stay healthy!

And finally, writing…  I haven’t been doing much writing lately unless you count my humble blog here.  Let’s face it, my life just doesn’t have enough hours in it to do much more at the moment.  My writer’s group has changed things up a bit this year and to keep up writing we are now doing writing prompts which will allow us to focus on specific tools (like dialog, description, etc.) and improve without having to commit to completing a manuscript.  I have one I have to work on this week and the thought of it makes me happy.  The one of us in said writing group who actually has been writing the past year just got signed with a publisher.  I’m ecstatic for her – and truth be told just a little bit jealous.  Knowing that the dream can be, in fact, reality if you work hard at it (and write a damn good book) makes me want to write more than I have been.  I need to find a way to multi-task my writing into my life like I did with reading.  Which, by the way, have you noticed that there are more than book club books in my list of books I’ve read so far this year?  I LOVE being a reader again – thank you audible.com!  If only I wouldn’t look (and sound) like a freak dictating a book while I’m running.  And if only voice recognition software would work with a heavy breathing runner.  A girl’s got to dream, right?


Best laid plans and the destruction of serenity

Today was a rare day… a day just for ME!  Well, kind of… more like a couple of hours in the afternoon but hey, I’m a Mom, I’ll take what I can get, right?  Big Sister had her annual talent show at school this morning and while I tried to make it work for me to go to work AND make it to support her, logistically it just wasn’t going to happen so I took the whole day off at the last minute.  Our amazing nanny spent the day with Little Sister as planned which meant that after I got home from the talent show at noon, I had five glorious hours to do whatever I wanted.

I filled the first hour with a good lunch and a chat with the nanny who it feels like I haven’t talked to for ages except for snippets of instructions and reports as we pass each other in the morning and evening.  The plan for the afternoon was a seven mile run which I had plenty of time for and which I was going to do outside.  Until I was all dressed and ready to go and realized that was the wind howling in the eaves and banging against the windows I was hearing and decided it would be miserable.  So, I changed my running gear configuration for the indoor apparel and headed for the gym instead.  Still on schedule for a great two hours to be spent with my current audio book on the iPod and a treadmill followed by a relaxing “soak” in the sauna. 

That was the plan, anyway.  What actually happened only slightly resembled that plan.  I stretched, I warmed up, I was stoked for the run, the iPod was going, I was already anticipating the endorphins and the joy that comes with running and the smile to hit my face… and then I ramped up the treadmill and immediately was wincing in pain.  No matter what I did, my knees were both killing me with every step and I couldn’t run through it like I usually can after the first few minutes.  I was limping and I knew it would never happen, and actually shouldn’t or I was asking for an injury.  So I struggled through a mile – because I can’t sync my run with Nike and publish it to Facebook without at LEAST a mile, right? – and threw in the towel.  Well, I could still sit in the sauna – which I did and that was amazing but I felt like I was wasting my valuable time when I could be doing something different.  So, I grabbed my mid-afternoon snack in the cafe with a book I just happened to have tucked into my gym bag because you never know when you might need a book.

But the music at the gym is loud and piped in everywhere.  I couldn’t concentrate on my book.  My mind started wandering and thinking about how appealing tucking myself into a quiet corner of somewhere – anywhere – and just reading for an hour sounded.  Decadent, actually.  But where?

The library!  I’ll go to the library!

Actually, the first thought was a coffee shop but how insane is it that there isn’t a single coffee shop between the gym and the library which is a ten mile drive?  So, the library it is.

I don’t know about you, but the library in my mind evokes images of hushed and whispering old ladies and plastic covered books being checked out; images from childhood of my mother and every other adult around me shushing me if I even thought of raising my voice to a normal pitch instead of the whisper required for the hallowed halls of the library.  A soothing and peaceful hour with a good book in that kind of space was exactly what I was craving.

What I got was a big slap in the face of reality.

Know what I found at my neighborhood library?  People who didn’t give a shit that they were in a library.  People who were talking to each other like they were in the aisle at the Walmart or worse, their own kitchens.  People who were NOT instilling in their offspring any reverence for the building they were inside of – when you are talking to your child in a loud inside voice from halfway down the aisle, they aren’t going to think anything of using their outside voice to answer you.  I had the audacity to shush one little boy – approximate age 4 – and he glared at me with daggers shooting from his eyes.  I smiled with my finger against my lips while his Dad – who had pulled his head out of the computer screen he’d been sucked into most likely by the absence of noise from his snot-nose little brat – said “Carter, she’s just asking you to be quiet in the library.”  To which the lovely Carter responded – loudly – “I don’t like being quiet” and ran off.  Minutes later the same twosome could be heard playing their version of Marco Polo through the stacks because Dad couldn’t find Carter and apparently Carter was now scared that he’d run away and couldn’t see Dad anymore.  At the same time, the reference desk, which was about 20 feet from the chair I’d picked because of the low height of it’s seat in relation to the floor for added comfort appeal for my short legs, was manned by a woman of the appropriate old lady hair variety but without the appropriate library tone to match.  She was having a conversation with a co-worker that had nothing to do with the library and which sounded more like gossip than a conversation and they were talking so loud that I actually found myself shushing THEM.  When they didn’t notice, I left the area in search of somewhere a bit more out of the way.

Location number two I should have known better than to pick but when I approached the kids corner with the love sacks all deserted and beckoning with it’s quietness, I couldn’t resist.  That comfy spot lasted all of about five minutes until the idiot mother with her five kids in tow herded them all to the area to talk – LOUDLY – about all the books they had picked and review their selections before heading to the checkout desk.  I might have mumbled some obscenities under my breath as I leaped up and headed for another corner.  I don’t quite remember, but I hope I did!

Location three lasted a bit longer – it was a nice, quiet corner with an equally aged adult, her books sprawled across a table, clearly and intently studying and lost in thought.  I sat down, got comfy, got engaged in my book, and then there was a dog lose in the library.  I kid you not.  A. DOG.  And of course the dog ended up with me, don’t ask me why.  He must have sensed that I was looking for some peace and viewed me as a kindred spirit.  After the workers collected the dog – but not before they sat next to me trying to read the tags and made a LOT of noise – I had another few minutes of somewhat quiet where the din of the library patrons was only slightly intruding on the edges of my hearing.

And then the baby started crying.

And by crying, I really mean wailing – at the top of it’s lungs.

And didn’t stop for what seemed like ten minutes.

Enough that the other girl sitting there with her sprawled books trying to study turned to me in disgust to say “so much for a quiet library!”  (So see, I’m not over exaggerating here!)

At that point, I officially threw in the towel and headed back home to mom-land… where I proceeded to make certain that Big Sister knows that she is always supposed to be quiet in a library and can expect to be shushed and beaten if she ever isn’t.  Did I miss a memo somewhere that states since the majority of people are now  all loud Americans who never know when to shut our pie holes that we are no longer required to do so at the library?  Or was it just an off day at my neighborhood branch?  I guess it doesn’t really matter because next time I will drive out of my way to find that quiet coffee shop instead regardless of how inconvenient.

Thank you, today’s library patrons, for ruining the library for me as anything more than a place to walk in, pick up a hold from the shelf and leave.  The craziest part?  The teenagers in the ‘booths’ at the back were the best ones in the joint!  All you adults should be ashamed of yourselves!


Music fuels the soul

I’m not one of those people who knows a ton about all different kinds of music.  All the music I own doesn’t even fill up my 30 gig iPod (pathetic, I know!).  I listen to NPR (that’s National Public Radio for the acronym challenged since I hate bloggers who assume everyone who is reading knows exactly what their acronyms mean…)  NPR is talk radio without left or right leaning spin – you know, the news as it used to be where they could only tell you the facts and let you make your own decision about how you felt about it?  Oh wait… I digress!  We were talking music not politics or the media.  My point being that when I’m in the car, which is the only time I listen to the radio, it isn’t music I’m listening to.  I’m not one of those people who knows every band on the planet and where each is from and where they got their musical inspiration.  Although I know some people who are like that and they intimidate the hell out of me.  Hell, I usually can’t even name the band let alone the album the song was originally released on.

Even so, I have what I like to consider an eclectic mix of music.  I’m a child of the 80’s and 90’s and lots of my music hails from these time periods – from Madonna to hair bands and rock ballads.  But I also have things that I grew up listening to – I love CCR (Creedence Clearwater Revival) thanks to my Daddy (and if truth be told the Beach Boys, too although I don’t actually have any of their stuff on my iPod) and the Carpenters thank to my Mom.  I am musical myself – played piano growing up which enabled me to take up the guitar as a teen which led to a stint in a garage band in my early 20’s – so I also love classical music.  LOVE LOVE LOVE it.  So, yeah, I listen to everything – well, except country because that is not music in my book and I never understood the genre.  I even – reluctantly – like some of the music I’m hearing because of Big Sister like Selena Gomez and Miranda Cosgrove.  Don’t judge.  I like some old-school rap thanks to my younger brothers, well, mostly just Eminem which makes no sense really.  My most embarrassing resident on the iPod is Barry Manilow but god I love singing along to him.  If asked to pick my favorite I tend to like heavy and loud the best – Metallica, Kiss, Disturbed, Marilyn Manson.  But I also love Sarah McLachlan and Matchbox Twenty and Avril Levine.  I can’t get enough of bad-girl P!nk and anyone else who can belt out a great set of lyrics to heavy riffs.  I never got into show tunes – unless you count the Grease Soundtrack which is on there, too.  And the list goes on and on.  Every song representing a time in my life or a feeling it evokes when I hear it.

So, what’s the point, you ask?

Yesterday I had the most amazing thing happen. 

Work has become a cesspool of idiocy where I’m surrounded by slackers who don’t do much to actually earn the paycheck they collect every other week.  I might have mentioned this before.  Instead of work happening all around me, talking and gossiping and visiting is happening.  ALL. DAY.  It’s one of the reasons why I prefer to work with men but, alas, the team is primarily women.  It’s gotten bad lately mostly I think due to a lack of leadership from the puffed up smidgen of blow fish shit we call a supervisor.  If it isn’t the unchecked womenfolk and their quilting bee bullshit, it’s the guy on the next row over hacking up a lung and farting – not that I’m innocent of public farting occasionally myself but usually it isn’t of the trumpeting variety – or the other guy who cackles like a woman when he gets nervous.  Which seems to be all the time.  The only way I’ve found to stave off the urge to step outside my cubicle and shout “SHUT THE FUCK UP” at the top of my lungs is to escape to the heaven of my iPod and Skull Candy ear buds.  Luckily I can still concentrate on the technical details of my job with metal blaring in my ears.

So what made yesterday so different than the countless days before it?  I’ll tell you.

I had been listening to my latest audiobook on my run (which is heaven, by the way) and didn’t have the time necessary to figure out what music I was in the mood for before my top blew so I fumbled for the “shuffle songs” selection and left it up to chance.  What ensued was the most magical twenty five minutes.  Every song the iPod selected for me fit my mood like a glove.  I found myself so distracted by the music that instead of allowing me to focus on my work it had me sitting and dancing in my chair hoping I could contain my urge to sing along out loud.  The genre’s were different – Duran Duran, Violent Femmes, P!nk, KISS, 30 Seconds to Mars – but they were all songs that I loved, hadn’t listened to in ages and which , yesterday, were the exact mix of music I needed to soothe my soul.

I don’t know what it is about music that can transport me to a time or a feeling so completely but damn I’m glad it works that way for me.  And although I know my beautiful (yet old school) iPod is merely an inanimate object I love that it knows – at least some of the time – exactly what I need even when I don’t know it myself.  IPod, I love you!  And thank you for keeping me out of the HR office this week even though I just realized it’s only Tuesday…


Serves you right!

And just like that, we’re back to bitchy…  Last week I had a passive aggressive episode in the gym that got me thinking.  My life is so crazy that it takes having a membership at two different gyms to make my commitment to training actually workable.  Half the week I’m at THE GYM (queue angels singing) and the other I’m at the fitness center at work.  Luckily I have both, but the mix of people at work is… well, somewhat different.  There are a lot of people who only use it for 15 minute increments while on their break and still in their work clothes.  I understand that it IS better than nothing but it is a very different commitment level than those who make time to do a full workout including sweating enough we need to change clothes. I mean, it’s one thing to go for a walk during your break but to have an entire fitness center on the premises and not utilize it fully?  What a waste!

I admit I get a bit of entertainment watching them come and go on the treadmills and elliptical machines and there’s one… um… girl… in particular who stands out among the rest.  Why?  Because she comes in every day, dressed in her skirts and knee-high boots AND jacket or blazer – crazy enough by itself.  But what’s more crazy is the choice of television while she’s at it.  At a glance I’d say she’s in her twenties – early to middle – and yet she’s watching TV that my nine year old likes.  We’re talking Nickelodeon and ABC Family and even the Disney Channel.  Laughable really and at times I find it hard not to do so out loud. 

So back to last week’s episode… I’m on the treadmill sweating like a pig, jamming to some Marilyn Manson doing intervals: two minutes of “normal” running followed by a minute of sprinting.  Because I have my iPod and there were only iPod-ers there when we started I turned the television off (yes, people, there’s an off switch on those things!) and dropped the remote into the cup holder on my left.  Half an hour into my workout, teeny bop girl walks in and climbs on the treadmill to my immediate right and starts looking around for the remote for the TV hanging directly above my treadmill.  I’m watching out of the corner of my eye and I know exactly when she finds it.  Even if I hadn’t been watching, I would have known because at that point she started STARING at me.  Like craning your neck and staring at me from just within my peripheral vision is the same as asking for the fucking remote?  Seriously, it was creepy and it went on for the entire time she worked out.  I kept thinking she would ask me and after a while it became apparent that she wasn’t going to and I thought ‘Oh, you think I can’t outlast your childish stare down?  You are wrong chicky!’

Like clockwork, ten minutes later she turned off her treadmill and headed back to her time-clock punching job (God I’m glad I don’t have to do that!) until the next day.  I’m sure she was totally pissed that she’d missed out on her tween show while she went for her leisurely stroll but here’s the kicker – I would have gladly given her the remote if she’d just opened her mouth and asked me for it.  I even gave her an opening when one of my friends got finished with her cardio and headed for the locker room as I turned and said goodbye – after she’d gotten my attention from my tunes that is.

The snotty bitch in me gloated that I had outlasted the childish stare down after I got over how creepy it all was.  But then I started thinking about the greater tragedy of the whole thing.  You see, that girl is in her twenties and still doesn’t know how to ask for what she wants.  Not the remote in the gym, probably not with her job, most likely not even with her friends – and God knows how unhappy she probably is in the sack!  Tragic, really but until she learns that life lesson she will continue to be frustrated everywhere she turns.  Unable to voice her own desires, she will continue to be thwarted in all she does – usually by bitches like me who know exactly what we want and aren’t afraid to ask – no, DEMAND – what we want both in action and in words.

I made sure to rush home and work this life lesson into a conversation with Big Sister so she hears at an early age how important it is to stand up and ask for whatever it is that you want most.  This is something big enough not to be left to that old ‘lead by example’ bullshit.  There’s too much objectivity in that approach to be trusted implicitly in all things.  Although, I have no fear she will see it enforced daily through my actions.  Later she will thank me when she has a life that she wants and everything as she likes it with her husband and her own children.  And if I see the Disney chick attempting the stare down again, I might just tell her “it serves you right for not asking!”


Friends and balance

You’ve heard it, I’m sure – the old adage that true friends are hard to come by, usually followed by some flowery stuff about holding onto them and how you must forward this on to prove you have them blah blah blah.  (Who ever thought up the idea of email chain letters seriously needs to be shot!)  I may not be that sappy, or gullible, but I do know the value of a true friend.  One who let’s you say whatever you are thinking – even the most bitchy of comments – and they are sitting there nodding their head in agreement or better yet saying the same thing at the same time.  Or if they didn’t say it, they love that you had the audacity to say it for them.  A friend who is as good to you as you are to them and who you can count on for anything you need, whenever you need it.

I’ve been thinking quite a lot about friends lately.

I have a ton of friends, in lots of different categories, that I’ve picked up along the journey of my life as I’m sure everyone does.  The friends from work who fade away when you no longer work together who you kind of recognize while you’re out at lunch in the area; but the more time that’s passed the less likely you are to say hello and then even when you’re tempted, like yesterday, you don’t because you can’t remember their name.  The friends you do things socially with which also changes over time since people mature (or don’t), get divorced or married, have kids (or don’t) and the things you do socially changes.  The crazy loons I used to hang out with in my twenties wouldn’t last two minutes with me now but I thought they were fun back when I didn’t know any better. Childhood and high school friends – mostly made possible by Facebook for me.  While I don’t actually see them often outside the realm of FB I do get to see them living their lives and even sometimes comment and share old memories.  Neighborhood friends, book club friends, writing friends, running friends – all sharing common interests and daily life happenings.  True friends – those who no matter how long between spending time together never miss a step.  I have a handful of these and I cherish the stolen cups of coffee bitching about life and work, cleansing lunches venting away all our troubles with our common views of life, annual poker games, conversations where we check each others sanity just to be sure it is still intact, phone calls staying in touch over the miles that separate, etc.  My favorite are the ones who serendipitously enter your life – the parents of your kid’s best friend, neighbors with so many things in common it’s like they are clones of you, and people collected along the way who, when pressed, you can’t even remember how you became friends because it feels like you just always have been.  My very best friend is Hubby – and even if I had no other, that would be enough for me.  Luckily, I also have siblings and parents and sisters-in-law I count as friends and who I couldn’t live without.  I even have friends who I didn’t really want: the wives of hubby’s buddy’s – some who I had to endure through countless nights of not being able to hold their liquor, parents of Big Sister’s friends at school who play-dates must be coordinated through, fellow dance mom’s thrown together because our kids dance on the same team – although some also fit in the other categories after the fact, too, and the list goes on and on.

I’m particularly excited for an upcoming reunion with the three friends I hung out with the most and the longest in school.  I haven’t seen any of them in years and one I haven’t seen since graduation who is returning home for a visit.  We’re getting the gang back together to catch up – fitting since I don’t believe any of us made it to the twenty year reunion last summer.  Again, thank you Facebook without whom it wouldn’t be possible!

So with all these friends, the questions of the week are:  1) why spend time with people who I can’t really be myself with?  And 2) at what point do you just say ‘No, thank you’ to invitations and never give it another thought? 

Here’s a revelation about my true nature:  I am a home body if left to my own devices.  Seriously, I hope this doesn’t surprise you.  I work eight hours a day Monday through Friday and have to come home to be Mommy – another full time job. I run around most nights driving dance studio shuttle while juggling our social life and a toddler, I work out six days a week between the fitness center at work and our amazing gym, I have a book club and a writer’s group that meet regularly, I have two different groups of women friends who make it a habit of getting together for dinner on a regular basis… you get the picture, right? And when I have a free evening or weekend what I really want to do – almost 100% of the time – is stay home with my husband and my kids AND DO NOTHING.

Lately, I haven’t had the opportunity to do this much and it’s starting to wear on my nerves.  My life is so out of whack that my kid is wearing clothes from the very back of the closet because I simply don’t have time to get the laundry done on a regular basis.  We are talking the shirts that should NOT have made it through the last clean-out but were saved either at her pleading or because she might be able to wear it camping instead of ruining a nice shirt. With no time to recharge my own inner self, I can barely communicate effectively with Hubby and I am short with my kids way too often.  So, starting today, this minute, I vow to start spending time with my favorite friend – myself – and not feeling bad about turning down invitations.  Because when I try and spread myself too thin I only wind up hurting myself and those I love.

As for people who I have little in common with, just because they are nice and around doesn’t mean that I have to spend tons of time with them.  Because for me, to find myself just going through the motions of enjoying myself and then bitching about the loss of time that I could have been doing something I really WANTED or NEEDED to do later just because I didn’t want to say “No” one more time is so not worth it.  The bitch is rearing her ugly head and screaming “NO MORE!”  Do I care that I will sound like a broken record that “sorry, we’re busy”?  Not for one second because guess what?  I am! Always!  Does this mean I won’t ever spend time with people in this category who want to spend time with me?  No.  It just means I will be more selective in accepting invitations from now on.

I consider this new commitment as my way of staying sane trying to keep up with doing everything I’ve chosen to cram into my life in order to make it a full and fulfilling one while staying balanced within myself.  Call it grounding, if you will… I’ll be finding more time for doing nothing which will make me so much happier while I’m doing everything else!


To Baby Sister on her first birthday

Dear Baby Sister,

Please read this and know that I, in fact, DO love you as much as your older sister even though you did not get even an attempt at a baby book documenting your first year, I have not scrapbooked a single page about your life, and I only got your pictures professionally taken once after that initial shoot at the hospital this past year.  I know that in the angst of your teen years you will look back on these facts – facts which I do not dispute – and somehow use them against me as proof that your Daddy and I don’t love you.  Here is proof that it is not true that I can then throw back at you – although if you remain as much like me as I fear, it won’t matter anyway. 

When your sister was born we didn’t really know what we were doing.  So we did all the things that “people” said were important and looking back were kind of a waste of money in most cases.  Your sister, yes, has a baby book but it isn’t even filled out all the way.  Don’t believe me? Go check.  Your sister, yes, had her photos taken at Kiddie Kandids like every three months but they are all still sitting in the envelope rotting away since we always bought way too many.  I was a photographer for many years, your snapshots ARE professional photos and there are tons of them.  Your sister, yes, has pages in a scrapbook with things that happened but it ends at about 9months old when I decided it was a losing battle to learn to love doing it.  And you know what?  We didn’t actually do as many things back then as you are getting to do.  You see, both of your parents are older and wiser and have figured out what is important in life.  So now, instead of sitting around eating processed food and watching life go by while you smile pretty for the camera and play nearby while I scrapbook, we are doing things as a family like going to the gym, hiking, taking trips to visiting family and see the country.  And even better, we are playing with you on the floor because we can.  So hopefully you will understand and look back on the memories we are making together as a family and cherish them as much as I do.

Love,
Mommy


When Mommy’s sick, ain’t no one happy!

There is nothing worse than being under the weather and unable to do everything – especially for me!  (I wonder how many sentences I’ve ever started with those words “there is nothing worse”…  I might have to add the label over-exaggerator to the list I’ve given myself!)  I’m typically a very healthy person.  Even when Hubby gets sick I avoid catching it.  When the kids get sick, I avoid catching it.  But, the last three weeks I have succumbed – over and over again.  First a bout of pink-eye that started on Saturday morning three weeks ago and was quickly bad enough that I spent Sunday morning in the urgent care getting eye drops and suffered with no make-up in public for another week.  The very next weekend – a day after I returned to the land of make-up, I spent Sunday with a 24-hour stomach flu – I’ll spare you the gory details on that one!  And now, I have a chest/head cold that started last Saturday – the very next weekend.  I’m hoping I will be better soon but who knows how long it will linger. 

While all this sickness is bad on it’s own, it is doubly bad – at least for me – knowing that Sundays are my treasured long-run days.  The one day a week that Hubby has the kids and I get at least two hours of uninterrupted bliss with nothing but my running shoes and an iPod play list where I get to de-stress from the week.  You can imagine how shitty life is when Mommy doesn’t get her de-stress day three weeks in a row!

THREE. WEEKS.

I’m downright frightful in my bitchiness… just ask my poor family who I’m sure are hoping I get to run soon if only for their own sake. 

I guess on the bright side: no one else got pink eye; the stomach flu quickly made it’s way through all of us with little lingering effects; and a cold is somewhat easier to handle if I spread it to more than just Hubby who is currently suffering with me.  Here’s hoping for healthy days ahead full of running and sanity!  God knows I need it!


The How-To-Do-It-All Guide for Overachievers and Crazy People

Life and all the things I’m trying to cram into it has been hitting me in the face this week – HARD.  It is the first big production for Big Sister’s dance team also known as the Winter Revue which includes dress rehearsals and extra practices; it is Baby Sister’s first birthday which of course requires a party to celebrate properly; it is the official start of Ragnar training and six-day a week running schedule; and I’m excited about writing again thanks to my amazing writer’s group.  Yes, ALL of that is happening THIS week.  Oh, and don’t forget that Book Club Retreat is in two weeks so I have an entire book to read before then – luckily it looks like a fast and easy read.  And these are all just extra things on top of my nine to five job, cleaning my house occasionally and spending time with my Hubby and friends and family.  And I’m expected to do all these things and NOT become a raving lunatic.

So, it’s no surprise that I find myself wondering how the hell I’m going to do it all!  Granted – I can’t complain too much since this is all my own doing.  I have always been an over-achiever after all…

Last night was a writer’s group meeting – squeezed in after a full day of work, a dress rehearsal at dance, and a run.  One of the greatest insights I’ve had in a while came from a question posed by my most-inspiring fellow writer when she said “why do you write?”.  Which in turn led to an examination of why I do anything and general wondering on my part if there was a better way to cope since bottom line I really WANT to do it all and not get overwhelmed.  I can’t give up being mom or wife; nor would I want to in either case.  Same goes for daughter or sister.  I can’t give up my job; unless I want to drastically change my lifestyle and considering the first thing to go would be my mecca of a gym and our amazing nanny, I say hell no.  No way I can give up running and my commitment to being healthy and getting fit – especially not when I spent the money I did to register for the Ragnar Relay.  Plus, I deserve to be fit and healthy, as everyone does.  Which leaves my two luxuries and the only other things I really do: reading and writing.  At the time I was reluctantly but realistically – or so I thought – feeling like I needed to give one or the other up and since I haven’t worked on my novel since the close of NaNoWriMo in November I thought it had already kind of been decided and said as much to the group while expressing my frustration that I just don’t have the time to write, much as I want to.

Funny how it had to be pointed out to me that I am constantly writing since I am a regular blogger here and have been for several years.  Yeah, yeah, I know that’s probably quite obvious but hey, I have been talking about and toiling over and dreaming about this novel for – count them – THREE years with not even a completed first draft to show for it.  Somehow I equated “writing” to working on the novel and haven’t considered that I have never stopped writing since I’m constantly doing it, just in a different form.  *Light bulb*  And it didn’t even take a therapist, just a friend who knows me pretty well!  So, now I can quit getting down on myself about not writing and will continue to write in whatever form I can whenever I can with a new goal of at least once a week working on the novel.  To be a writer, you must live like one which means, above all – writing.

But that epiphany doesn’t really solve my overwhelming feelings of failing at being able to do everything.

Which brings us to reading.  The luxury I have loved and cherished since I was a child reading Nancy Drew Mysteries and progressing to Stephen King and everything I could get my hands on – even my Mom’s trashy romances when I could successfully sneak them away unnoticed.  It is no secret that the last two years my reading has diminished and if it weren’t for Book Club I probably wouldn’t have read even as much as I have done.  But there are only twenty four hours in a day and I still don’t know where I’m going to find more time for reading.  *sigh*

At the end of the discussion with the writer’s group, we all found ourselves either committing to writing more, declaring that we were on hiatus for a while or somewhere in between so we could structure the group for this year.  And that’s when it suddenly came to me.  Well, truth be told it was actually sparked by a sarcastic and bitchy comment about why couldn’t I multi-task more things so I really could do it all. 

Wait for it…

“Why don’t you listen to audio books WHILE you run?”

Are you fucking kidding me?  Why didn’t I think of this sooner?  (Hell, let’s be honest, I DIDN’T think of it!)  I log miles and miles a week constantly searching for just the right song or play list to entertain me while I’m at it.  All the while bitching because there’s not enough hours in the day to read anymore.  I blame the one and only time I ever listened to a book on tape and missed the deadline for the Book Club discussion “because I can read a hell of a lot faster than a person can enunciate all those words”.  After that one experience – years ago mind you – I declared that audio books were not for me.  Well, no longer can that be true – since I clearly can’t read faster than I could listen to a book WHEN I HAVE NO TIME TO READ.

Now I just need to find the perfect way to get audio books onto my iPod so I don’t have to give up anything I want to do and then look out – that list of titles I’ve wanted to read will start dwindling instead of merely growing.  (Luckily I’m a gadget-savvy problem solver so it shouldn’t take too long.)  I’ve found my secret to doing literally everything and still staying sane – the proverbial have my cake and eat it too – and I’m so excited!  Somehow I also need to find time to shop for new tights and dance shoes for the recital on Saturday plus buy birthday presents and bake cupcakes before Sunday!  Somehow I’ll figure that all out, too – I hope!

On a side note, if I haven’t said it enough – okay, have I even said it at all? – thank you for reading what I write!  And if you’re not a follower, please consider it?  I am a narcissist who’d love to see who’s reading besides my handful of friends I see all the time.  Here’s to everyone being able to find a way to make life work and get everything YOU want in the coming year, too since we all deserve it…


A glutton for punishment kicks off 2011

Bet you never thought you’d hear this from me again…. I just started another round of HCG.  This time with Hubby in tow.  I kicked it off with a goodbye run of eight miles on the treadmills at our amazing gym – did I mention they go DOWNHILL?!? – since I can’t run for three weeks (remind me to tell you about that later!).  I’ve been working out with weight training added to my running program but the holidays are always a struggle with my sweet tooth.  Once I give in and sample the delectable baked goods from my sister’s kitchen, it’s all over and I can’t get enough – like a ravenous monkey desperately foraging for mites on every surface I can find.  You get the picture.

I want to say that putting on a few pounds over the holidays was my motivating factor for embarking again on this journey but I’ve been planning on it for several months now.  I solely blame my need for instant gratification.  Seeing the pounds and inches melt off of me in the three-weeks of hell doing this protocol makes it SO worth it.  And having to wait the months it would take to see the same results at the gym would just suck.  So, I’m squeezing in a three-week bout in hell between New Years and Jan 28th when the official start of Ragnar training begins for the insanity I have scheduled in June.

Except that might not have been the case and now it is totally a bittersweet journey!

You see, the first thing you do is take measurements for “before” and “after” kinds of comparisons.  I really like measurements as a guideline of how well you’re doing on weight loss or maintenance because the scale is unreliable once you start building muscle and so I do measurements about once a quarter.  (Does this make me obsessive?  It sure sounds like it when I put it down in writing!)  So on “Day One” I faithfully pulled out the measuring tape and dutifully recorded my measurements.  And then, as is my nature, I promptly plugged them into my nifty spreadsheet which compares the current data to the previous measurement and overall from the first set of recorded measurements.  I know, I’m a total geek but I’ve accepted it by now and so should you!

And that’s when things got interesting.  You see, my last set of measurements were from the first of December – at the end of a 90-day challenge I’d participated in with a group of friends intended to keep each other motivated to work out and make good food choices.  I kind of slacked off a bit  toward the end and it was only the ending measurements compared to the beginning ones that made it worth doing since even though I had been a bit of a slacker I had still lost overall inches – but the scale read higher at the end.  (Another piece of evidence supporting the claim that people should just throw the scale away and never step on it!)  Anyway…  the number on the scale had continued to slowly creep up – like 4 pounds – over the course of December compliments of all the sweets I just ate and ate for like two weeks.  This was exactly why I was looking forward to the fresh, whole foods of the HCG diet being forced on myself.  I knew I’d gotten off track so I just recorded the numbers, not letting them mean anything, and forgot about it.  But when I was plugging them into the spreadsheet, guess what?!?  I might have gained “weight” according to the scale but according to the measurements I had actually lost – in all the right places like my hips and thighs and bust (which for me includes a bit of “back fat” I haven’t rid myself of yet).  WTF?!  You mean I ate and ate sweets and because I was going to the gym regularly I was still thinner?  But I didn’t know and now I’ve started HCG and I can’t run and can only do light weights?!?  For THREE WEEKS?!

*SIGH*

So the rationalizing queen inside of me started thinking of all the ways I could still work out even while on this crazy protocol.  I can’t run, but I CAN walk.  I can’t do strenuous weight lifting, but I COULD do a little circuit of weights slowly, three times a week.  Right?  We’ll see how much energy I have for the weights but I’m for sure walking every chance I get!  Maybe combining the two things that work will get me even more amazing results?!?  We’ll see!

The other crazy part of embarking on this journey again is that my carnivorous hubby is doing it with me.  He’s a hottie – I won’t lie – with the body of a Greek god and most people who know him will be shocked.  But, he injured his back ten years ago and blew out is ACL a couple of years ago and it all adds up to slowing down for him which means he’s getting a little thick around the waist.  I’m not one to judge – you say you want to slim down and you know it works because you’ve watched me do it, then great! It will be way easier to do it together than cooking two meals for dinner, that’s for sure!  But then there’s the part you don’t know – he eats a lot.  And he’s a meat and potatoes kind of a guy.  But potatoes are forbidden for the next six weeks in any form.  And red meat is a no-no for the next three.  Yes, he can have chicken but only a single serving – which is 3.5 ounces, not pounds.  And the rest of his diet will consist of things that as he puts it “food eats”.  As in, “that’s not food, that’s what food eats” while looking down his nose disdainfully at my pseudo-vegetarian fare.  It should be fun to watch.  Although he has iron-strong will power and will stick to the program like glue, it might be even more miserable for him than for most.

Last time I did this back in April of 2010, I did a 40-day protocol which I swore I would never ever ever do again.  I’m back to the 23-day with the mentality that I can do anything for three weeks.  I’m getting to be an old hat at it, not stressing about the food choices or what I can and can’t eat and even waited until the last day to stock up on the required food items in the refrigerator.  I remember the first time when everything was new and I didn’t know how to eat right and I stressed and obsessed the first couple of days about what I could and couldn’t have.  Not this time, now I’m just impatient for it to be the end so I can hit the road for another run.  Or even the gym! I guess that’s what they mean when they say a lifestyle change:  when you eat pretty much the way you’re supposed to in order to maintain your health even when you’re not on a diet!

Speaking of the gym… running 8 miles on a treadmill is only enjoyable with a good running playlist on the iPod and interesting people to watch.  Yes, I’m a people watcher in addition to my sarcasm who rarely filters what I think from coming out my mouth.  It makes for some interesting times usually.  The gym is no exception and when you’re on a treadmill for almost two hours there are lots of people who come and go.  I thought it was fun to watch the obsessive couple with their print-outs from what I assume was some kind of training program fiddling with the intervals – uphill, downhill, fast, slow and do it all over again.  Then there was the entertainment factor of those tiny women with their perfect hair and spiffy workout clothes who walked but not fast enough to actually need to pull their hair up or produce any sweat to mar their perfect outfit;  the guy who ran a long time dripping sweat; the hard body chick who didn’t bother with a shirt over her sports bra so she could prove without a doubt how little body fat there was jiggling around and all the people in between.  It even made the irritation of the treadmill automatically going into cool down after an hour easier to bear.  I thought passing two hours on a treadmill would suck but it didn’t – and I’m sure my facial expressions as I watched the people around me provided some entertainment for other people watchers if they were looking.

So, here’s to the craziest beginning of a new year I have recollection of.  And here’s to it going fast so I can get back to “normal” again with at least another twenty pounds gone forever!  Happy New Year!


Could you imagine?

So Baby Sister is eleven months old.  And here’s the shocker of the week – in this month’s newsletter I get from some baby website with tips on development and “what to feed your baby at this stage” kind of content they started talking about having another one.  Are you kidding me?!? 

Another baby?  NOW?

I can barely keep my wits coping with my current baby who is becoming mobile!  We still have a hard time going out because of babysitting options not to mention that I just BARELY feel like my body is back to mine again.  Who in their right mind would dream about starting over and going back to being exhausted day and night, transitioning into being big as a whale and completely incapable of keeping up with a toddler, ending with bringing another one home to add to the chaos?

HOLY SHIT NO!

Add that I am weeks away from turning thirty-nine (yes, that’s knocking on forty’s door thank you very much) to the fact I don’t think I have the energy or desire to add another child to our little family right now and you’ve got the worst combination.  The hardest part is that Hubby really longs for a boy.  A son to coach football and take fishing; another shot of testosterone to balance out the estrogen fest we currently have going on, not to mention carrying on his family name.  And while in some random moments of insanity I think it might be nice to have a son I quickly start thinking of all the realistic things that scream NO FUCKING WAY!  Perhaps if we hadn’t waited so long to decide we wanted more than one kid we might have time and the energy to do this dance all over again.  But that’s not how we did it.  There’s way too much pressure to make a crazy snap judgment about another kid just because I’m getting older.  Lots of women have kids later in life, right?

My mind still boggles at the thought of people with kids two years apart (OR LESS!) – of which there are plenty around.  I have total respect for them but know there is no way I could do that myself.  Who knows, maybe when I’m 45 if we still think we want another one I’ll hop on the “advanced maternal age” bandwagon again in a moment of insanity… but I seriously doubt it.


Merry Christmas to ME – selfishness of the season

‘Tis the season!  I am a very giving person (although I don’t share well with others, just ask my sister) and typically am completely focused on others during the holiday season.  But this year the hubby and I did something big for ourselves for Christmas.  We joined a gym. Not just any gym either, the “Caesar’s Palace of Gyms” as Hubby calls it.  Yes, I shopped for everyone on the list and then some and I know that this is the wrong time of year to be purchasing things for yourself – or so my Mom always told me – but they have treadmills that go downhill!  And to add on a child under 12 it only costs $6 a month for which you get two hours – TWO HOURS A DAY – every day of free daycare while you’re working out.  Plus it is open 24 hours a day 7 days a week – something that “24 Hour Fitness” cannot even boast – which is important to Hubby who occasionally works the night shift and needs something to do while we are all sleeping but he’s not working.  Then there’s the amazing pools that are open for family swim time almost every day that Big Sister will love, a rock climbing wall she’s already hooked on, and a monthly “parent’s night out” where you drop your kids off for some fabulous activity and then YOU. GO. OUT!

Hubby has been begging and pleading and dropping hints and finagling and scheming for ways to convince me to join this club since it opened several years ago.  I always heard the amenities and assumed it was way out of our price league and dismissed it.  Now, however, I’m a full-blown runner who wants to run 3-5 days a week regardless of the weather who has been hampered by snow at least twice already and it isn’t even officially winter yet.  So, I relented in going for a tour.  And of course it was amazing – the yoga classes are included – even the heated ones – and they have Pilate machines and did I mention the treadmills that go downhill too?!?  Of course they sweeten the deal in December by waiving fees and cutting others in half and we were suckers for the hard sell after the tour.  But, there has not been any buyer’s remorse and we spent seven hours there last Saturday. 

Seven hours. 

Now before you call for a running intervention, let me break down those seven hours…  First we had the event “Breakfast with Santa” where you could bring non-member friends (Big Sister opted to bring the BFF of course!) After breakfast, the girls got to enjoy the bounce houses, see Santa, make ornaments for the tree, decorate cookies and even meet “Santa Paws” the dog.  We also took our neighbors in a shameless effort to convince them how crazy cool the club is so they would join too – not sure if that worked or not but we are hopeful…  After the event was over, we dropped the girls off at the Kid’s Club (aka, daycare) for two hours while we met with our trainers for our first evaluation and orientation and then Hubby played basketball and I worked out.  Then we grabbed the girls, had some healthy lunch in the cafe and hit the pool for Family Swim.  Before we knew it three hours had passed in the pool with the two of them having fun while Hubby and I took turns tag-teaming between the kiddie pool and the lap pool/hot tub.  By the time we hit the showers and headed for home it had been seven hours of fabulousness and we were all exhausted.

What a lifestyle kind of place rather than just a place to go to work out and I know we will be super happy there.  Big Sister is counting the years (she has three left) until she can do spin class and yoga with Mom and asking if we can go to the gym to swim or climb the rock wall every day.  I’m apprehensive about my first experience at spin class coming up tonight and REALLY looking forward to a treadmill run that can actually mimic outdoor terrain and not just go UP hill!

Looking back on my life “before running” I can see that I’m a different person – one who thinks a big chunk of cash every month to belong to a health club is a valid use of financial resources; one who schedules time in the calendar to work out 5 days a week and sticks to it.  And most important, one who is healthier and fitter and a good example to my girls as they grow up.  So while, yes, the membership itself was a selfish gift bought at an inappropriate time, it is a gift that will keep on giving and I refuse to feel bad about it for a single minute.  Happy Holidays – we’re celebrating Yule today – of whichever flavor you prefer!


Grief as a helpless bystander

Here’s where my blog becomes an outlet for my own inner demons… if it’s too heavy for you, I apologize.  But this entry is really for me.

I have a coworker who is 41 – basically my age – and fighting cancer.  She has a very rare, super fast growing type that no one even really knows the name of, which isn’t even important.  Suffice it to say, it is THE BIG C.  When I was having Baby Sister, she was having her uterus removed because it was full of a huge tumor.  That was ten months ago.  She went through chemo and radiation and the tumor was gone and we were all very positive.

But then it came back…

And she did more radiation and more chemo and stayed positive and never let anyone really know how bad it was – or at least me, anyway.  And then, out of the blue last week we got an email stating that she wasn’t coming back and that there wasn’t anything else that they could do but manage her pain for the next couple of weeks.  I know enough about that little catch phrase to know it means she is not going to win her fight against this disease.  And that just plain sucks.

I am seriously at a loss.  Me, who always knows what to say and what to do or if I don’t, doesn’t care because I just breeze through life taking what comes in stride.  Except what do you say to someone when you know that whatever you have to say is trivial?  I think the hardest part for me is that we are co-workers, not friends.  I don’t feel like I could tell her I love her and hug her and cry.  Others on the team have worked with her long enough that they are both and so they can.  I’ve never hugged her before now so I would feel like a fraud if I did it now.

Her significant other told us she was feeling up for visitors for a couple of days before they leave to head across country and spend her last days with her family.  And I couldn’t bring myself to go.  I feel like I’m some kind of emotional failure because I can’t.  I just know it would be me sitting there staring at her, crying, with nothing to say and taking time away from her and those that she would rather be spending her last days with.  But what does that say about me that I don’t want to go and “say my goodbyes”?  It isn’t like she is quitting her job and just not going to work with us anymore, she is dying. I feel just as sad as the rest that she won’t get to grow old, to see her kids get married and have children of their own and everything else a person my age has to look forward to doing in their lifetime.  But I feel like an outsider who is reading about her in the paper because we don’t have a close or deep relationship, even though I will miss her.

I feel a bit better today after talking to one of the people who did go to visit.  She told me when they were there that she was very out of it, sleeping mostly, surrounded by her family and that it was as if she had let them come for their sake instead of hers.  Imagine being in so much pain and suffering so much and still letting people come to say their goodbyes.  How emotionally draining for her when there are so many other things she is struggling with! 

I don’t have emotional ties and I won’t have regrets that I didn’t go to see her before she died so I’m going to leave it at that and try to feel okay with everything instead of beating myself up for not going.  Although part of me feels like that makes me some kind of heartless bitch who is rationalizing myself out of an awkward situation to make it easier on myself.  One thing is for sure, I don’t like being in this limbo area reserved for acquaintances – I think I’d rather be a close friend or a stranger when it comes to grief.  At least then there are clear-cut roles for you to step into based on tradition and culture.  Life is short – squeeze those you love and live every minute as if it were your last because there are no guarantees any of us will live to see old age…


Okay so maybe I’m not perfect

Notice I said maybe…

It is officially December 1st as of fifty three minutes ago.  NaNoWriMo is officially over for another year and I haven’t written in more than a week – well, except for here on my blog.  I thought it might be therapeutic to reflect on what the month and my unsuccessful finish has taught me.  First and foremost, I realize I’m not perfect and, although I normally do exactly what I say I’m going to do when I say I’m going to do it, sometimes I just can’t do everything I want.  That’s what happened this year.

Am I wallowing in self doubt and telling myself I’m not a “real” writer?  No 
Do I want to?  Yes
Will I? Only for a minute or two every now and again before I snap myself out of it

Instead I’m going to focus on the positives of the month: 

  1. This year I wrote more in November than I had in the six months previous combined 
  2. I have a kick ass start to the rewrite of what I hope to someday be a kick ass novel people can pick up off a shelf and read
  3. I’m inspired again to work on said novel I “shelved” six months ago which, without NaNoWriMo would still be languishing in the recesses of my mind

So, what the hell happened?  How can an entire month fly by so quickly that I don’t even realize it’s gone?  Probably the same way almost an entire year has passed since I had my baby who is now 10 months old, that’s how!  She is almost walking, crawling everywhere and quite honestly I blame her almost solely for my lack of writing time this month.  I’m knocking on 39’s door and I don’t have enough energy to keep up with her, my job, my running and still have time to write.  It is what it is and I accept that I can’t do everything but sometimes getting older really sucks.  Remember the days where you could stay up until the wee hours of the morning and still get up and function all day?  Now I actually need sleep… so irritating sometimes!  Although back then I lived with my parents and had little control over my own life so there is a trade off I guess.

There were times throughout this past month I had flashes of self loathing.  Times where I would think “what are you doing?  Why aren’t you writing?” and berate myself for lack of will power and commitment.  But I realize that – although I know it is most likely a rationalization of some kind – it is okay to accept that things are sometime beyond my control with my life and it doesn’t have to mean that I am a failure.

Tonight I thought about making a final stand and spending the three hours I had while big sister was at dance writing  – just to see how much I could get done by the end of the deadline.  But there was baby sister and how could I resist those big blue eyes and that skinny little diaper butt that beckoned me to follow while she crawled all over the house and pointed at the wind chimes she wanted me to activate for her listening pleasure.  And then there was the giggling when I tickled her and the cute way she has of flinging her little head back to tell me she wants to go upside down so she can come back up and laugh some more.  And shaking her head “no” at me when I tell her not to push the buttons on the TV or open the cabinets to investigate the treasures within.  Yes, I picked her and snuggling on the couch with big sister when she got home from dance instead of making a last stand for 2010’s insanity of a writing goal.  I’m guessing even if that means it takes me another year to finish the novel it will still be worth it since I will never forget the everyday joys of the times like we had tonight.

So, there is always next year to try again.  This time more prepared and hopefully with a finished draft of my first novel already under my belt.  Here’s to growing up almost as fast as I’m growing old…